AKSAR

Empty Spaces

2012-02-09T19:18:00.000+05:30

Once she leaves me alone in the bed,
I do not have any choice but to rest,
I look around for the things she left,
I get nothing but an empty space,

Space where she was sleeping,
With her own cozy soften tenderness,
And when I have nothing to grab,
I grab a piece of softness from her bed,

I turn around and sleep in her place,
Just to check whether I am still awake,
Thinking and smelling her presence,
She was certainly there in that empty space,

It made me wonder that I can feel her,
I still remember that chilling winter,
I was sleeping alone, talking to her,
So loud and so much clear,

Let me sleep at least in the empty space,
Let me catch her all over again,
Let me be with this little thought,
Let me live with her a little more…

सपनो की एक नयी चाल

2011-11-20T22:33:00.000+05:30

डोरी फिर उलझ गयी आज,
सपने बुनते बुनते,
अभी तो मैं सोया ही था,
सपना भी यह पहला ही था,

उलझन से शुरुआत हुई,
सपनो की एक नयी चाल हुई,
उलझ उलझ कर रहते हैं,
मेरा मॅन जैसे ये पड़ते हैं,

क्या मैं इन सपनो को,
अलग नही रख सकता हूँ,
सपनो की इस दुनिया मैं,
अलग नही जी सकता हूँ,

Life is moving on

2011-09-23T11:47:00.002+05:30

After completing almost 8 months after MBA, I am all set to have a peaceful life?, very ambitious career?, will be filthy rich one day?, will have my own company?, will be working for society?. All these question marks have been there and are still there. What do I need do to do to remove these question marks from my life? Now that is the important question I think. If you can’t beat them join them. That is what the success mantra should be.

But never the less I know the art of achievement. What if my career does not provide me the sense of achievement and appreciation to me? What if my life is not forcing me to quit my job and start over some business? What if I have even stopped thinking about joining some NGO? What if it’s been long since I have actually achieved something great non-materialistically?

So a little analysis before we come to the final conclusion. If I categorize the different times of life then primarily there will be three categories. One when you are down and out. Everything seems not working for you. You are generally in a deep shit. Fucked up with your life, relationship, career, money everything you crave or may crave for that matter. Very similar to what Indian team faced during the recent England tour.

Second would be when you are on a high. When you drink and dope to the death. You buy a lottery ticket and you get the prize too. You go for a vacation to Thailand and Goa with your girlfriends. You are the most important person in the office, star of the month types. You have a girlfriend and a wife too. You are driving the car you never thought of.

Third would be the general life in which you wake up on Monday and don’t want to go to the office. Your tummy is slowly but steadily increasing. Your learning curve is stagnated since long. You have not been hurt/thrilled/happy/sad/fucked since a long time. Basically there is not much difference between you and the flower pot in the house.

So if we see the total life time it is very natural that almost 80% of our life goes in third type of time which is stagnate living. 10% on high and 10% on low!

Every part of time has its importance and there is an art attached to live every part. Like when you are on a high don’t go overboard, I mean you should be able to come back to normal rather than slumping all the way. Low in life is best for learning. The most important lessons of life have been taught in that phase. So one must and must think through this time and learn the art of learning during this time. Also low is generally followed by a very high period. So more and more lows in your life and there are chances that you are going to make it big. Because life will force you to do something which you will never do otherwise.

And then the third and most dangerous one, Normal life! Don’t train yourself to live with the normal life. Very dangerous for the so called achievement and growth in life! But what we essentially need is to understand the art of achievement about which I had talked initially. This art of achievement during the normal time is also important so that you don’t see your life moving on in front of you and not able to do something about it. How to achieve and grow is still a question but need for this achievement and growth is required and one must and must strive for that.

Rose and Daal Chawal

2011-02-27T00:06:00.001+05:30

This is a story of rose and daal chawal.
Rose is a little girl. She wants to live her life like a feather.
A feather floating in the air, driving herself through irregular pathways, just letting herself go with the air, just letting herself to be free.
A feather crying quietly on the rain moist leaf of the tree outside her home because its been a while since she has cried and today she just wants to let her heart out.
A feather, when touched to the sensitive skin of a little baby, finally ends up in the giggles by both the baby and the feather.
A Feather safely kept in the personal diary of dal-chawal, in which he has written so many unfinished poems and articles about the love of his life.
Love was the subject he liked in his writings. Incomplete, unfair, painful yet so much needed and so much there.
Let the story begin…

Lets do business

2010-09-07T19:57:00.001+05:30

Top line: for a business it is the revenue earned through selling a product. If we observe our body closely we may call our brain as our top line. The areas in which our brain ventures may be called the revenue which it earns from the external environment. This is the cumulative exposure we get by keeping our senses operational. Though most of the times it is not by choice but we somehow gain exposure to different areas.

Bottom line: for a business it is the amount of profit it earned after paying all its dues. All the dues include operational cost, selling and general expenses, cost of investment (interest), tax and income through other resources, if any. For human bottom line can be the legs. More elaborately it can be the actual feet you achieve in different walks of life. The actual learning we inculcate in our behaviour, thinking, habits can be more accurate representative of whatever we have learned.

Cost incurred to achieve the bottom line: in case of a business one has to incur some
cost to get the revenue and hence profits. This is basically the energy (in form of money) which runs the business. As expressed in the paragraph above operational, general expenses, overheads and cost of raw material can be different cost to a business. In case of our body it could simply be the energy to run our body. Energy gained from breathing, eating, sleeping (resting); all contributes towards safe running of our body. Our body processes these form (air, food, water etc) so that we can earn some profit i.e. learn things in life. And inefficient process may lead to a disease, fat accumulation, inefficiencies, unrest, anxiety etc.

So now if we closely observe ourselves then our existence has a purpose like all business and that is to earn maximum profits means maximize our learning as we move ahead in life. The average age of this company is around 65 years and in these 65 years whatever we learn will be more or less whatever we have earned as profits. But as it happens with most of the companies we can not control our processes and costs and end up being a bad company. Though we still survive but not in a way in which we should be surviving. May be we do not set sufficient process for ourselves so that we can control the whole growth. And when we intentionally do not set these systems a default system is being set in place which finally runs our company without our control. So lets not let this default system of chasing money rather than learning stuff, accumulating fat rather than being controlled, putting too much on stakes than to be content (for a change) control our self.

मॅन>>>><<<<<सपने

2010-08-29T00:14:00.004+05:30

वक़्त के सिरहाने पे करवट बदल रहे थे हम,
पाँव अभी मिट्टी में ही थे,
तन थोड़ा सा गीला,
मॅन जैसे बंद हो गया है
इच्छाओं के इस भुलावे में,
आँखों के इस बहकावे में,
कहीं खो गया है, चित्तियों के इस ढेर में,

भूल कर मत जाना तुम अपना मॅन मेरे पास,
मैं बहुत दूर जाओंगा आज सपने में,

डोरी पकड़ कर पतंग की तुम भी उड़ना मेरे साथ,
आज फिर कट कर लहराएँगे हम, गीरेंगे दूर कहीं जाकर,

संभल कर सोना मेरे पास,
वक़्त के इस तकिये पर करवट बदल रहे हैं हम...

Let’s Unlearn..

2010-07-21T14:45:00.001+05:30

I am halfway through the canal. It is very unlike a canal. Things are not dark here; at least that is how things have been projected. Flashy and bright! So I am half way through it without any confusion of where to go.
I am a good follower I must say.
Somebody just needs to show me the direction, never mind even the wrong ones.
I like to walk, never mind where I am heading to.
This time a lot of learning has been done. Lots of different conscious experience I have gone through. Conscious because it has been emphasised so many times that we should and must revisit the stuff. Otherwise also I think we will learn. It goes back to your mind where you don’t realise that you have learned.
Now you have disturbed me in the middle of the write up and hence the deviation of the chain of thoughts.
Let’s be back.
Let’s start unlearning the stuff fast so to have a steady life ahead. I did not want to create bumps for myself and then ride on to it and prove myself to be a good rider. Damn a good walker I am. I know that. My fat tummy is the proof of it. Yesterday I went so ahead in my dreams that I forgot the way to come back. And I disappeared in the vagueness of my mind and thoughts. In the absolute of vagueness!
Cool so many things to unlearn now.
But why this unlearning? So that I can write all the meaningless stuff once again. I hate meaningfulness. In the sense and in the attitude also! Let me be the way I am without a damn reason. Without a choice; helpless to the core. Let’s be amusing to others. Let’s talk less this time. “Let’s not do it” this time for a change. Let’s die all over again to live a new life. Let’s unlearn..

Status Update

2010-04-21T13:15:00.001+05:30

It has been three months since I got married and so early my philosophical brain is out of its shell. The simple reason of saying so is that I am writing a blog on my status. Though there are numerous sites which help you in knowing your day to day status as you can update your status in those sites but I guess that is not enough when it comes to your real status. So here is my attempt to understand my status. Status as in mental status only, as writing about physical and situational is either very simple or very complex! So it is like an exam where questions seem difficult just to please the students.

In my quest to understand my status I first thought about what expectations I have from my life. For that matter, I never had any expectations from my life and in continuation with that I never had any expectations from my married life also. So whatever I gain is net profit because there is no cost involved. And even if there is cost at least it is not visible to me. So if I write about my status in few words then it will be something like ’merrily married without too much of expenditure’.

When it comes to my beer drinking status, the data is very depressing and I humbly request the beer lovers not to read beyond this point. As the huge loss to the beer drinking society may lead to very disappointing consequences to the beer loving reader. These days very humbly I take permission from my wife to have a couple of beer. This couple of beer does not extend to more than a couple like old times. It strictly limits to two. But still I thank god because my wife insists me to have a couple of breezer. And having just a couple of breezer is like a punishment, so no punishments please. And as far as status in terms of few words is concern, it should be “come beer, come breezer, come all, come fast”.

The biggest influencer in the status deciding process are like books, movies, a hearty talk etc. its like when I watched shawshank redemption for the nth time, my status changed to “Hope is a good thing, the best of things”. When I finished reading notes to myself my status changed to “the heart loves but moods have no loyalty, moods should be heard but never danced to.” If you had a good talk with your friend your status will be like “life screws us all, it’s only a matter of time.”

And finally when you are not doing anything, which is the case 99 % of the times, then you try to change your status without any purpose and then come the status like “I am bad at deciding what haircut to take”, “busy and available at the same time”, “god, give me some purpose”.

There is a joy in having a good status message I must say, never mind the actual status we are going through but a status message we project should be worth while…

Gita Shibir

2010-03-04T11:19:00.001+05:30

I do not know the expectation of a B-school from me. First there were Learning Management classes and then PG Lab and now Gita Shibir. From objectivity to subjectivity to a mix of both! That is what I have been oscillating around. I must have an objective goal in life and then do everything to achieve it and now I have a subjective goal of attaining the happiness which is somewhere hidden in my self. This goal is subjective because it is related to my understanding of the whole matter. Actually it is about understanding only. Once I understand and confirm the way this particular concept of achieving happiness works, I suppose I become successful in life, at least for that particular instant (considering life means integration of all such small events). Like I enjoyed a good meal or a good walk, I feel content about it, satisfied about it. That is what I need to practise in my life, to have these walks more and more. But the whole concept of happiness keeps changing as you evolve yourself. And that is why I call it as subjectivity.
So the problem is not like which way to take. As far as my understanding goes what we as b-school students or more active corporate individuals needs to make sure of this subjectivity in the attainment of objectivity. And if we do that successfully I think we have done our part.
I suppose I do not need to stop and first attain the happiness and then go about being a CEO of my dream company but in the process of becoming a CEO I should attain the happiness level required to have personal harmony. This way I will be successful and happy and probably more effective.
Do you see any problem in the above given context or you think that you will be able to do it. I don’t know whether I will be able to do it or not but my problem is I tend to get involved in one side of it. Once I feed myself with the dreams and ambitions I tend to become more objective and tend to loose the balance on being happy. And if I think about being happy then I tend to become more easy going and less ambitious towards my aim of owning a Ferrari one day.
Is that a correct understanding of the thoughts we have been exposed to. I would say no.
Let me consider a situation where I am content with my life as in whatever I have, I think is enough and does not need anything to add materially to my life. Now if I need to serve the purpose of serving to the society I need to have few personality traits which will make me realise that I should do something for the society. Personality traits like kindness, compassionate, non-violence, truth honesty. I am talking about a very ideal situation where I am content with whatever I have and now because I am very kind and generous, and when I see people in grief I try to help them. These personality traits will be my motivation to work for the society. For keep doing work for the society it becomes imperative on my part to be always content otherwise I will never be able to work for the larger cause. An easy understanding of the situation is if I am thirsty it is less likely to share the water I have. So the point is to quench your thirst first and then go about helping others in quenching their thirst.
So now I hope it is clear to have your thirst quenched first (because only then you will be able to offer yourself totally for the sake of society at a large) and then do something for others (because of your inherent personality traits like generosity, compassion etc).
How does it fit in the roles which I will be doing in my future? This is generally a mistaken thought that who is self happy will not and will not be able to change the society at large. But can you change the society if you are not a part of the system. So those who are working for the society are at that level. The more at a higher rank I am in the corporate ladder the more effective I will be in bringing about these changes. And if I posses the required personality traits then the effect on the society will be immense. Few example Ratan Tata. Ratan Tata is most effective when he has the natural personality traits (dominated in his personality) and then he achieves a rank of CEO and then brings about changes. Had he been just a happy man and not doing anything for the society would not have served the purpose of his attaining the happiness.
So objectives are few
• First and foremost to keep self happy and content with the life (subjective part of this objectivity)
• Understand that I can bring about changes in society at large only if I have the required natural values assimilated in my personality.
• Understand that I need to be a part of the system to work wonders for my goal towards the society.
• And then keep achieving objective goals by being objective at large and keeping my content quotient intact with me.
This I had put in these words but I don’t know how I will follow my own words. Probably I don’t need to follow. What I need to do is to just chill and just keep a check on my value system and make it a rule to not violate my value system whatever may come. I think rest all will fall in place automatically.

I can make stars...

2010-02-28T08:55:00.002+05:30

I can make stars. Stars not as in bollywood star or a cricketing star but the stars on the paper with the help of a pen. Simple! That is what I do. Keep things simple. But for this also first I have to complicate things. So its like first complicate things and then emerge as a winner after achieving it.

Personal Growth "Lab"

2010-02-19T19:45:00.001+05:30

The sheer positivism flowing around the PG lab exercise somehow made me wonder, can it really help? We face such transforming experiences in life and that certainly doesn’t come out of the class rooms. The more you have cuts and bruise the better are the chances that you will learn the lesson. Very unlikely in the classroom setting. Still the class worked wonder and people felt happy that they are a part of it.
Is PG Lab a business preposition or a real tool to create the required change in the person. It is certainly creating value for the participants as it will throw the lights on the territories undiscovered till the time. And this revelation gives a feeling that you have conquered the monkey and from now on you will be the slave of your planned approach. How many of you did not know before, that you tend to talk a lot even when it is not required (A bull in the china shop), or for that matter you don’t take feedback even when you know that the change will work wonders for you (A tortoise). The terms are assigned to the already known things. Now you know what type of a person is that called, or maybe the better use is to criticize somebody comfortably in a larger group where people will understand your wit equipped with the jargons.

Now it is creating value for the participants as the participants are the customers or the main objective of all the exercise. Few other important aspects which stand out in the full exercise are as follows
• The place where the classes will be conducted, close to the nature. As if otherwise we have not seen trees and grass and mosquitoes and sunrise and sunsets and we are living in most unnatural of all the places (some kind of different unnatural galaxy).
• Trekking, which is always fun. Learn or not learn it is fun to trek. Few quick advantages are no classes, you can take lots of pictures for facebooks and orkuts to show the world that you are learning in a superhuman way, feel that you have conquered something which by now was hidden under the golden natural reserves, think that you did a great team building exercise even when you did not bother who has finished the trek and who doesn’t.
• Games, now this is really exciting. It is a mess to finalize a strategy. More than the strategy people think their perspective or analysis is the thing to crack the game. Well there is no right strategy for that matter, the one which worked wonder for you is the right one for you. I should write a full blog on how the politics of finalising the strategy for the game is not a matter of the innovation but more a matter of team players sticking to whatever stupid thing has been finalised.
• I guess 99 percent of Indians (I do not know much about the other nationals, and hence can not comment) love to play ‘antakshari’ and you give them a chance to play this game or let them sing under a cosy setup of bonfire and evenings and you have their happiness quotient shoot up like anything. It’s like you make them sing for some time and then ask about whether India should attack Pakistan or not and there will be philosophies raining. You know, because people are happy and their take on life is different from what it is under stress and lots of assignments.
• Thank to SPJIMR admission process that the ratio of male to female participants is something which I should not even mention (to escape from the wrath of my batch mates as it will not be a good thing to reflect), otherwise the happiness quotient of few more participants would have increased dramatically and we would have had great life changing experiences from the PG Lab.

Without going further into details of everything, the one thing which stands out in everything that has been done there is that the participants were made to believe that they are happy, they are achieving, they are rediscovering and then the effect of the lab is what you can observe. From where this sense of happiness or achievement or rediscovering has come? This sense has been injected into us without even using an injection, and that is the power of a human brain (now please don’t imagine an injection which works with your mental strength). And when you think that you are emerging as a winner you tend to accept the outcome.

This is where the crux of it lies, make life a PG Lab. Don’t wait for somebody to take you to garudmaachi and then do a locus of control of belief test and then come to a conclusion that you are a self believer. Make the surroundings natural (grow more trees for that matter, or have small plants in the so called GAMLA). Achieve one thing daily, the point is to realise the achievement (as simple as you have managed to attend all classes without your brain thinking about anything else). Be happy and don’t ask me to give you a reason to be happy. Otherwise I will ask you make a team of your reptile brain and your rat brain with the mammal brain as the referee to play a game of antakshari or to sing a group song with all the three brains, so that you can just be simply happy without any complications. PG Lab is a wonderful thing not because it discovers the territories not explored till now but because it proves that life is just about the happiness, achievements, antakshari, music, nature, sun rise and sun sets, laughter, team building, losing happily, johari window and all the wonderful drawings everybody had made.

Don’t come back, stay there at PG Lab.

Take a Chill Pill and be happy without a Reason

2009-11-24T13:01:00.001+05:30

I know I have been writing poems/blogs as stupid as the paintings I make, and it does not benefit anybody in this whole world but that is what I like to do best in my free time, in my busy time, in my extra time and in all sorts of different times I have or I can have. So I am up to it again and will not stop before completing this genius work of art i.e. writing this blog.

In the beginning I wanted to write about happiness but the hangover turned my attention towards headaches. So it is a kind of trivial situation of happiness during headaches, which I think is a little awkward situation to write about. After drinking a couple of liters of water to safely negotiate with the dehydration, my stomach is still swollen with water inside. It is not my controlled tummy but it certainly is the water which is acting as a reason for the abnormal growth. In the midst of everything lunch time has arrived and now I have to oblige the food as its kind consumer.

I ordered for a plate of happiness as the dessert after my lunch. The lunch was very good. Very fulfilling I must say. They call this dessert as happiness as they might intentionally want you to realize the feeling when you eat it. He took more then ten minutes to bring it which is usually high with the standards of this busy restaurant but there might be some purpose of this delay I guess. They might want me to wait for my happiness and then relish it and realize it fully, once I get it.

This is how I am being fed with the happiness now days. I order it, wait for it, eat it, realize it (optional) and then pay for it. These are the few factors on which happiness is dependent. How much is the price (affordable or not), how much I can wait, how much I can eat (too much of it might not be good for health), even after eating I am able to realize it or not, and then whether it deserves the price they have quoted once the time of payment has come. Analytics have frozen my mind and heart too. And my happiness is dependent on the analysis I will be doing after having my share of happiness. Probably I should learn some tricks to sharpen my analytical skills or should do some crash course to be a well analyzed-capable-planned-happy man or should I take a Chill Pill and be happy without a Reason.

हँसना मत मेरी कोशिशों पर

2009-11-09T15:45:00.004+05:30

Tring Tring
Me - Hello, may I speak to Chetan please?
Her - May I know who is speaking?
Me – It’s me Vikas, you know me, right?
Her - Yes I know you, so what’s up?
Me - Nothing great, actually I was thinking about you since quiet long and finally believed that I should talk to you about this. I want to meet you once. Will you meet me?
Her - I have told you before also that its very difficult for me to come to meet you.
Me - Just once, its been long since I am thinking about it.
Her - Ok I will think about it.
Me - Cool! I will be there in few more days till then you have all the time to think about it. Chalo will see you then bye and take care.

I was left with a sum of 1 dollar in the prepaid phone card I bought at the port of Jacksonville and this is how I used the card.

My life on board for the next one month was a bit different. I have got one more reason to sign off and do something which I have been craving to do since last 12 years.

She was the first love of my life. And still she is ‘the love’ of my life. She is the one who made me realize that ‘we boys’ are different from ‘those girls’. That was love at first sight. I still remember that sight. Clearly! That is one of the few childhood memories I still carry.

हँसना मत मेरी कोशिशों पर,
मेरी भावनाओ के इस इंद्रधनुष पर,
मानते हैं की जुड़ते नही,
अंत इन अंतहीन इच्छाओं के,

पर मेरी कोशिशों की कुछ तो वजह होगी,
इंद्रधनुष के रंगो में कुछ तो रोशनी होगी,
बेवजह नही बदल देते रंग वक़्त की परिभाषा,
प्यार की कहीं तो कोई सूरत होगी......

Painting and drawing the happiness

2009-10-26T17:40:00.004+05:30

The ‘Reinvent Yourself’ class started with the introduction of the professor. I will not write the events as they happened but would pick them in a little different manner. So here you go…

I wish my name would have been happy singh. ‘Why’ you will ask and the reason is very simple. As soon as the professor told us to draw or paint happiness, people would have come to me and painted me with colors. On a more serious note, suppose if we would have had a girl named khushi or happy rani in the class. Phewww…no more serious thinking I guess.

So to continue on a rather light weight issue of identifying the happiness spread around us and then giving it a shape was truly a great exercise and can safely be assumed as a common thread of the full 3 days of rehabilitation. Don’t you consider yourself a little stuck in the present habit regime and want to shift to the next vicious circle of few better habit regimes and this time with lots of attitude and skill. So to rehabilitate yourself you must go through the full program and after that you will be reinvented. You will be able to notice that you sneeze too loud in the office, you have not cleaned the dead skin of your foot since long, half-sleeve shirts and shorts are not so formal, you don’t use hindi in between while talking to somebody, many more things which till now you were safely ignoring.

Attitude and skill, that is what I will be building there. Like a gym where you do the bench press with the weights more than the combined weight of your head, arms, heart and lungs. And this is exactly what I will be doing to build the so called attitude and skill - pressing the benches (classes) , books, quizzes, professors, mentors, seniors, soft targets, hard targets, imaginary targets more than I have done till now. And for that I have got all the reasons now as nobody will ask me ‘why’ are you doing so?

To be a little specific now one among us drew a calendar having all the days of the week as Sundays and was really a wonderful way to draw the happiness. But these guys seem to be a bit ahead in the thinking and Sunday is no more a holiday there. Instead they prefer a Thursday for a holiday. So is it a plan to convert our lazy Sunday happiness into busy working unhappiness of any other day or it is again a part of reinvention that we should start enjoying our busy working unhappiness. They really have the plans of reinventing our happiness it seems. So the next time they tell us to draw the happiness we should draw a calendar having all its days as Thursday and people will think that ‘oh how lovely, this guy seems to be liking his work a lot.’

I am sure I will be a ‘better defined human’ after this whole issue if not a better human. I will be able to draw more and clear pictures of my happiness and the happiness of people around me. So let me walk towards that better defined human and please don’t ask ‘why’!!!!!!

मैं बस बेवजह समय काटना चाहता हूँ....

2009-10-01T17:36:00.005+05:30

बेवजह समय काटना,
कितना आसान और कितना मुश्किल,
सुबह से ऐसे बैठा हूँ जैसे काम का अंबार है मुझ पर,
सोचता हूँ ऐसे, जैसे सो ख़्याल हैं दिमाग़ में,
किसको दिखा रहा हूँ, कि व्यस्त हूँ इस अव्यवस्था में,
जीवेन की दौड़ में और रास्ते की खोज में,
परछाई का रंग लाल हो रहा है जैसे,
सूरज कहीं कहीं से फिर खो रहा है जैसे,
पकड़ सकता हूँ अपनी परछाई के रंग को मैं,
ऐसे ही मान जाओगे या कर के दिखाउन मैं,
मेरा रंग जो भी हो परछाई तो रंगीली हो,
अपने मॅन से जो सपने देखूं हू थोड़े तो नशीले हों,
वैसे तो आप ही आप को खिलाते हैं रंगो का ये खाना,
ना जाने काला रंग किसको है निभाना,
रंगहीन सी जिंदगी और रंगीली ये परछाई,
सालों से तस्वीरों में दिखती ये तन्हाई,
निकल कर बाहर आज फिर लुट गयी है,
अव्यवस्थता की गहरी खाई मैं कहीं डूब गयी है,
मेरी तन्हाई दे दो मुझे की मैं नही चाहता रंगो में नहाना,
मैं बस बेवजह समय काटना चाहता हूँ......

Conversational Genius

2009-09-22T12:47:00.001+05:30

I am feeling a little thirsty. Can you get me some water please?

Who asked you to drink so much yesterday. I guess doctor Krishnan must have prescribed you to have 4 large pegs of SINGLE MALT to cure the loneliness.

Why you females always think that we become ‘rickshaw wallas’ after drinking. BTW did you notice that lonely girl in the party? Why was she looking so sad?

Was this an after effect of the divine drink or you are generally very ‘observative’ in the parties.

I keep my eyes open, so that I can see the beauty around regardless of my state. But now the little finger of my left foot is asking for a drink. And this time it is plain water. And I want to help her desperately.

I also want to help you, not so desperately though, but just wish that it would be ‘he’ not a ‘she’ whom you are so craving to help.

See you are not even good at wishing things. Wish more babu, wish bigger, with an open heart.

I too had a heart once upon a time. But now in the vain to protect everything from loosing, I just don’t stop and couldn’t feel that I have it any more.

This TV is so full of shit and especially these news channels. Look now they are reporting about a dog that travels in Mercedes. Whatever…

I have not seen this painting, which I made when you proposed me, since long. Oh god its so…..can you tell me that story of rose and daal-chaawal once more.

You know where that story ends. So you want a pictorial demonstration or a voice conference will be ok for you ma’am!

Your little finger of left foot wanted some water I guess. I will get it for the poor fellow. Can we go out for dinner today?

Can We?

Your sense of humor is just fantastic. You should open a humor designer firm and consult people to increase their level too.

You know this forum ‘22 knots’ of my college alumni, right? Mr. Basu wrote a one liner. Everybody came up with a suggestion. Few analytical one, few helping one, few a little criticizing and few are just plain observative. Finally that led to Mr. Basu hoping in front of his computer screen.

I hope you are not telling me this because we just did that.

Come on we are not like this.

My Stories in 55 Words

2009-09-16T12:47:00.003+05:30

I tried to write three stories in 55 words. Here it is....

------------------

The old blade messed his grown beard more than his relationship. He has plans of sealing the lips and life with a kiss. The broken mirror didn’t let him see his face. She hated unpleasant surprises. He didn’t want to surprise her either.

------------------

I was born smiling and thought that I will die also like that. I saw her and I smiled. I saw her sleeping in my arms and I smiled. Every time I smiled I almost died. Today she left me. I couldn’t smile. I don’t want to live but couldn’t smile to death either.

------------------

She loved her mirror. She could look back in past with that. She was beautiful and wanted to be more. Her face in the mirror was a thing of past. Her mirror though told her about the comparatively less beautiful present. She threw it to run away from present, but lost the past too.

I m Patient

2009-09-15T15:25:00.000+05:30

How much time do you take in there! Hurry up, I also have to empty my stomach.
Look, there is only one thing which I specifically do not like and that is to wait, so please do not make me wait. And come ASAP.
How slow is your typing? If you will type at this speed we will be in the office for the whole night. Come on now, do it fast.
Why the fuck are you pressing the horn. Do one thing, get a pair of wings and fly over my head. Idiot!
Why are you kissing me so impatiently! Relax! Just feel the touch, do it gently, you will like it better.
I wish I could read a bit faster and could finish all the five articles in 10 minutes, shit man! Why I am such a slow.
Last few days on board and then I will be a free bird again. God is just great.
Life is running on a fast track. I will finish my beer fast and will join the race.
While watching movies on the VCR last night, I forward the songs and boring emotional scenes. I like fight scenes and only watch fight scenes at the original pace.
You know what, my dad caught me yesterday while watching English movie on TV. As it is I waited for one and a half hour for a ‘scene’. Finally got caught and couldn’t see anything.
These articles about lifestyle in the newspaper are so boring. Why do these people always preach us about being patient?
Mom, can I sleep a bit faster? Just like a jet plane! Sleeping and again waking up faster!
If I breathe slowly as they do it in yoga, I don’t get enough air to breathe and that really suffocates me. This breathing slowly really seems a little tricky.
Get married soon, and start your family then. What are you waiting for now?
I am a patient of lack of patience. See I am not even patient enough to be a proper patient.

.....

2009-09-03T20:15:00.001+05:30

अब आज जो निकले हैं, दम भर के निकले हैं,
मेरे अरमान थोड़े नम से निकले हैं,
बाँटते थे यह नमी हम हर सुबह की शबनम से,
मौसम जो बदला तो बारिशो में नहा कर निकले हैं......

Indepence Day Special

2009-08-16T20:19:00.003+05:30

The subject line of this message may remind you of some local train started on Independence Day, but certainly that is not the purpose of it. The purpose is more of a social kind. I am sure all the readers are socially very active and do a lot for our society. To continue with that spirit, let’s make some resolution on this not-so-special occasion.

1. We will always follow the traffic signal, even if it makes a fool out of us. We will never cross a signal if the light is red. Never mind we are crossing the road or driving the car.
2. I know nobody of us spit on the road and from now onwards we will not also puke on the roads and will try to have a plastic vomiting bag if we have the slightest idea that we are going to get drunk while coming back home. One more step would be to stop others from spitting, if possible.
3. No unnecessary pressing of horn pad, press something else easily available which will give better sound then the horn. But keep your hands away from the horn.
4. A message against smoking or drinking and driving or drugs would be great on the number plate of your vehicle. Instead of keeping it too simple lets have some stylish number plates.
5. Give seat to oldies and kids in bus, train, plane, movie hall wherever possible without any second thought of justification that it is right or wrong.

And last but not the least; keep that smile on your face always. May be nobody had told you before but you look really cool when you smile.

Jai Bharat

Mamujaan

2009-08-13T16:38:00.001+05:30

Making girlfriends earlier was a little dangerous issue. First of all it was taken for granted that if you have a girlfriend, you will marry her. Coupled! Coupled not just with the girl but with the commitment, with the imaginary love, with the heroics if your girl is an item, with the body guard kind of feeling in the attempts to stop other gunda boys and with the excitement of meeting the first love of your life!

Secondly if somehow you will not be able to marry her then it automatically makes you mamujaan. Never mind the reasons why you did not get married. Many of my friends became mamu’s quiet proudly. Few more fortunate ones became mamu more than ones. And few legends are still alive in the hope to become a mamu some day.

Love was the driver and lover the passenger in the coupled car. No matter what we will become one day but it was our duty to love and that we did. Loved with everything we have and everything we could have. And finally died as a martyr dies…became mamu.

Mamu or no mamu but I still wonder very few of us could make our girls bua. We used to wait till the girls forcibly marry somebody who is not at all of their choice. Then the life comes to a halt, to a dead end, to an unfillable void, to the irrecoverable moment. You become serious in life. And you forcibly marry somebody else.

Mental Constipation

2009-07-14T11:37:00.001+05:30

Rains have affected the thought process I guess. Though I prevented myself from getting drenched but I guess something is still washing out everything in my mind. Sometimes it’s good to have your drains choked, I suppose. So that you can hold on to your thoughts and ponder upon them! It is good to realize/observe yourself rather than just let the time and the changes in your thought process to go by. So it is good to be a little mentally constipated.
On a different note, why all my drains are open is also a question to ask. May be I was pursuing a temporary goal and was focusing so hard that I forgot to stop by and observe. It happens many a times that you loose interest in the thing which you like to do most. May be because of the temporary goal or is it a sign that I am moving on? Moving on from my present mindset to another one which has different priorities and different goals!

So mental constipation or free flowing change, I do not know what to chose as I told you I am not able to hold on to anything now.

Life Span

2009-06-05T11:21:00.000+05:30

How much do I think my life span is? Life span does not mean the whole life time. It means like for a single aim or for a single motive how much time do I live in one stretch. I am saying one stretch to focus on that particular time span I spend thinking about that issue or that aim. For example I am writing this blog and my entire mind is thinking about it. No food, no drinks, no hot, no cold nothing but just this blog. Give it a little thought before getting carried over. When I am getting ready for the office I am thinking about my work. When I am working in the office I am thinking about the weekend bash or a night out watching movies. I am getting carried over by this thinking in the middle of my working time. So I consider my life span for working time to be that time in which I was totally focusing on my work. That was for an example. Now think in general how much is your life span for a particular aim? How much time do I spend thinking or working for that aim? My focused and concentrated efforts in that direction. No distraction of food, comfort, thirst, future, dreams, past, pain. The moment I get distracted my life span has ended. Suppose I get distracted by food and I started eating. Then my life span for eating has started. Now if I start watching TV in the middle of my food my life span for food has ended and for TV has started. This is the way I live. In life spans!

My whole life consists of such very long and very short life spans. If I want to achieve something then I should dramatically increase my life span for that purpose. The more I think and work for a single aim the more chances I have of achieving that. This is certainly how it goes for all the physical and non-physical things. Car, house, business, success, meditation, salvation! Almost everything which can be achieved in life. Meditate more and better and you will reach to a level of zero thinking. Basically to a better level!

Now think about decreasing your life span. Decreasing in the sense that focus on the smallest possible activity you are doing. If you are walking focus on your legs. If you are typing focus on your fingers. Observe your body more than thinking about it. Life span of seconds switching from one body act to another body act. And gradually where will you reach….
I leave this post here for you to think. I have successfully conveyed the idea I think. Coming to a conclusion will be more like forcing my thought process on the reader.
Do write your conclusion in the comments section. Feedbacks are the best to know whether I have communicated or not?

P.S. – Meaning of Span (one of few) according to the dictionary.
1.The distance between the tip of the thumb and the tip of the little finger when the hand is fully extended.

News-Paper

2009-06-02T13:03:00.001+05:30

Call it my less equipped house or call it an old habit, whenever we eat or drink we tend to put everything on the newspaper. The purpose is to protect the floor or the table. Thanks to all the local supplements or the typical page 3 articles of the newspaper that the newspaper serves more purpose than just a protecting cover. In the middle of any discussion you can safely escape to have a good ‘eye-tonic’, as the chances of the people with whom you are eating or drinking to be beautiful are very less. So why not give some food to your eyes while drinking.
One of my friend’s ‘rate of escape’ later in the drinking session increased noticeably. His involvement in the present discussion hence reduced. He was gazing at a perfect strategically revealing picture of Cameron Diaz. And he was really trying to avoid his glass being kept on the picture.
Few more drinks and few more long escapes. And this provoked us to know the exact reason behind it. With almost an impeccable innocence he said ‘I don’t want to put my glass on the picture as the curves in the picture might topple my glass and I don’t want my drink to get spilled all over her’.
Who says pictures are not lively. After all it is in our own mind which makes thing livelier than they are. One of my all time favorite line also supports this ki ‘नशा शराब में होता, तो नाचती बोतल’.

Heat Detector

2009-05-22T15:07:00.001+05:30

I am being more and more ambitious now. I want to have a heat or smoke or flame detector fitted in my brain. For the very simple reason that I should get a clear sign before my brain catches fire. A lot of criticism I have faced from self and from others for letting my mind burn and for not able to have a control over this fire. I must criticize god, if at all he is the creator, for making such a faulty machine which does not give alarm. Almost all the machines made by human gives alarm and then you can control the situation before it’s all finished.

Irreversibility of the process/running machinery makes it a complicated issue. The operation/process of all the machines made by man is irreversible. If an engine gives an alarm and you do not attend to it, it will have breakdowns. And once it is done it is done. You can not restore it in the earlier state. That is what we are afraid of and that is specifically why we have alarm equipped machines. So my search for this brain heat detector is now more and more intense. As this can protect me from breakdowns! And certainly I am going to find a technologically (read logically) savvy product soon!

But doubting god’s ability and comparing his ability with ours is not suggested. As it is I am facing a lot of heat for expressing my illogical views about god. And somehow I believe that the probability of creator creating better is little less. Like if god (nature) has created us then certainly we need much more varied aspects to be like him (nature). And safely assuming this I can say that the machines (fitted with alarms) created by man are no better than man. That means that my not having alarm is better than the machines having alarm.

If such is the case then why it is so? Why I am not fitted with an alarm and why it is still better. What if I do something today and it goes wrong. Can I make up for it? What if I can not achieve what I want to today? Is life really an irreversible process? How much a span of n years matters over a span of 2n years? What will I get if I will have an alarm fitted in my brain which will prevent me from doing wrong? How much my doing wrong effect the big picture? What is the big picture?
Deal these questions separately.

May be I am not fitted with an alarm because I should be able to make my life reversible. Reversible in the sense that today’s anger will be tomorrow’s strength and today’s missed opportunities will be tomorrow’s motivation. I feel that not having sense to sense is ok. And if at all I will sense it (in future) I will make up for it. Be reversible, at least try to be one and then you will be free from all your fears and certainly will have a good process i.e. LIFE.

दोस्ती हो तुम या दोस्त मेरे

2009-05-14T12:56:00.002+05:30

दोस्ती हो तुम या दोस्त मेरे,
एहसास हो तुम, या साथ मेरे,

मन की विपदाओं को,
और जीवन की सच्चाई को,
उत्साह से झेलने का एक सहारा,
और चिर हर्ष लिए तुम पार्थ मेरे,

पहलू मेरी पहचान के,
मिट्टी मेरे ख्वाबों के,
जीवन रूपी शाक के,
फल भी तुम, फूल भी तुम,

तस्वीरों में रंग हो तुम,
मन में कुछ रखा समय,
और परछाई हँसी की जैसे,
तुम शीतल मधु और पर्याय मेरे,

कौन हो तुम बताओ ना,
खुशी साथी या ख्वाब,
या तुम प्रतिबिंब मेरे मन का,
दोस्ती हो तुम या दोस्त मेरे…

Baby Lovers

2009-05-08T15:29:00.003+05:30

The topic of general talks is shifting gradually to babies now.
‘You know she stares at me like that whole night’.
‘He is really a terrorist’.
‘I have quit smoking cigarettes and started chewing nicotine gum’.
‘You don’t know, I am still single’. ‘So what, you don’t need to be married to have one’.
‘My family is pressurizing us to move ahead’.
‘Let me finish my studies before we move ahead’.
‘I will arrange for a place then you can come over.’
‘I can not live alone; it’s high time we should do it.’

All sorts of different situations, different responses from people but these responses have one thing in common. They all are filled with lots of care and concern and yes ‘Love’.

Love the married ones feel for their new born/yet to be born babies.
Love the bachelor ones feel for their babies (girlfriends).

Disclaimer - This post is certainly dedicated to all baby lovers. The comments above are not a work of fiction but can easily be noticed among day to day conversations.

May your love for babies grow more and more! Amen…

P.S. - Read it twice. First as if you are talking about your new born/yet to born kid and second as if you are talking to your girlfriend.

Few Thoughts and a Calendar

2009-04-30T16:57:00.001+05:30

The air combed my hairs, hugged me, held my hand, filled my heart with joy and touched my soul. Loneliness can make your senses more sensitive I guess.
I liked standing on the upper deck, walking peacefully on bridge wings, staring endlessly at the never ending sea, letting the air touch my soul again and again. I stood there almost every day. I thought of the same thing almost every day.
My life at sea was barely more than a few thoughts and a calendar. A slash across the date was never so meaningful I guess.
I lived in very limited co-ordinates, though I was travelling the world. Life was a little dimensionless I guess.
I signed off after 6 months. Leaving something, you have lived with quite some time, was certainly never so pleasant I guess.

Tele----Vision

2009-04-27T16:19:00.004+05:30

‘Why don’t you buy a TV’ is the most common advice I am getting these days. Or a few will express it in a more shocking way. ‘You mean you don’t have a TV’. There are many more things which I do not have for that matter. But TV just stands out of all these. I am still single, becoming fat and do not have a moon reaching career seems unimportant when my not having a TV issue comes up.
One of my very good friends forcibly bought me a TV tuner card so that I can watch TV on my laptop. But little did he know that I will not accept it so easily. The card is still packed intact and occupying a very big portion of my not so big shelf.
Few suggested me to buy a second hand TV, just in case it is the matter of money. I also can sell the second hand one and will not end up paying much. But my slightly uneconomical mind does not agree to that either. In the recession times I guess these ideas will work wonders for both the common man and companies.
Seems that having TV gives you a Tele----Vision means a more clear and future oriented look on your thought process. Or may be it is like wearing a U@#$%^&*@. ‘Oh you mean you are just relaxed today’.
TV is like a ‘Biwi’. For bachelors very much loved and useful and for married another affair. What more you can ask for when both husband and wife are having an affair with the same thing.
I never was a visionary and will never be; I guess (till I buy one Tele---Vision). But if you really want to kill the time without even noticing, TV is the one.
But somehow I am trapped in this whole mess as I do watch a particular TV show on my laptop via internet. This does not weaken my argument of having a vision free life. As it is I am not doing anything to achieve my vision; if at all I have one!!!!

P.S. - Replace TV with Aim or Vision or Goal and then read...May be it will make more sense...But for me it still remains the same.

Kona-Kona SWOT Analyis

2009-04-14T12:26:00.001+05:30

I am playing a game of kona kona with my Self, Wealth, Opportunities and Threats. With me as the person who is trying to find a safe place.
Let me tell you a bit more about this game. We used to play this game in school when we were kids. Four people will occupy the four corners of the room. Fifth person will be corner-less and will try to get a corner for him as the others will be exchanging corners/places.
Though this is not a rule but the one who does not have a corner is teased by the others who have it and/or have exchanged the place/corner making a fool out of him. It is somehow inborn in us that we do not like anybody to make fool of us. Fools we are. Are not we? My self realization is dependent on others reaction.
My self and wealth exchanged the position. I tried to grab the position of wealth but got a bit late. Now my self is acquired by wealth and in hope of wealth I lost the place of self. So what am I left with? No self and no wealth. Self is in position of wealth. I wanted wealth that is why I ran for it but could not grab it. They both teased me a bit.
Wealth seems to be very cunning. He exchanged the place with opportunities now. All bloody wealth is converted into opportunities so now if at all I take the place of wealth I will only get opportunities and then I have to take the hard route to convert it into wealth.
All this while there is one thing which was running in mind continuously. There is something which I exactly did not want to happen. I do not want opportunities and threats to exchange place. I mean I do not want my opportunities to convert into threats. That is why I was keeping a constant eye on the opportunities and threats. Because of this self and wealth exchanged position many times. Effortless transition from one position to another! This transition somehow distracted my concentration and there you go. Bloody opportunities and threats have exchanged positions. Now everything is turned over on its head.
Final SWOT Analysis
I am left with no self and no wealth as I could not occupy any place moreover both has made a joke out of me. Wealth many a times converted in opportunities and finally opportunities converted into threats.
This certainly is not my favorite game any more.
If I get a safe place I will probably stick to it. That will make it worse as I will never be able to acquire other different places.
Play ‘I spy’, play ‘suraj chhand’, run for the ‘cheel ki parchaai’ but do not play kona kona and if you have to play it choose your mates carefully.

Words of Wisdom

2009-04-05T15:14:00.002+05:30

'International Airport' Andheri wala. and I sat in the auto.
I had taken bath before leaving home so I was very relaxed and planning to have a good silent conversation with self in the auto ride. but my planning lived only for a short while and a speed breaker(Broken road) broke the silent trip as well as the silence of the driver.
after customary welcome slangs he started to wonder at the sorry state of the roads of mumbai.
'I don't know why they cant make good roads in mumbai, after all they are earning so much in mumbai.'
'now a days even election time does not provoke leaders enough to keep their basic promises.'
'rich men are getting richer and poor do not have the place to sleep and a thing to eat.'
'bumbai main bahut paisa hai. people are even earning on phone. just talking to each other and earning dalaali.'

Hold on cowboy! Its my turn now.
'Are you from M.P.' I asked. 'How do u know' with a big smile he said.
That was the first time he smiled in the full conversation(one sided).
'Accent u know', 'I had a knack for accent.'
I myself did not know that I will say such a thing ever but i just did. Strange!
now he introduced himself more formally before putting his views on the general sorry state of everything. Since last 34 years he is an auto driver in mumbai. and he can talk about almost everything you say or think.
'Mumbai main agar power cut ho jaaye to this place will be a dead place. Only 24 hours electricity is keeping this place alive.' totally agreed.
'I have seen murders happening on the mumbai roads. nobody cares for anybody.'
'I also had the chance of going to dubai and making it big when I was young. but I was too scared to take that chance. gaanv ka budhdhi hai na isiliye. You have to travel via ship and you dont know when you will be back in india. scary scenario'
'Oh you are working in a software company. Lage raho. ek naa ek din aap successful ho hi jaaoge' quiet impressive words of wisdom, i must say.
I think I like talking to strangers. Especially drivers. I dont know but I could always have a good conversation with all sorts of drivers.
I gave him the fare. He did not even looked into the meter to cross check.
'It was nice to have somebody from our side(though i am not from M.P. but not being from mumbai and being from a neighbour state, makes me from his side)'. We exchanged smiles and I turned back and left.

पहरा

2009-04-03T15:58:00.000+05:30

दिल के
इन ख़यालों पे,
पहरा
हम लगा देंगे,
नींद
तू मत आना,
की अभी
रात
बाकी है,
सपनो में,
बग़ावत की
एक उम्मीद
बाकी है,
मैं सो जाऊं
और
मन
लुट जाए,
ये भी तो,
जायज़ नहीं,
सुबह सुबह
मैं कहीं
खो जाऊं
ये भी तो
जायज़ नहीं.........

ख्वाब

2009-03-20T16:08:00.001+05:30

बेमतलब सी बात का हिसाब हो रहा है,
जानते हुए भी कोई क्यों कुछ खो रहा है,
हाथ बड़ाने की वो अधूरी सी कोशिश,
रेत पर बने सपनो के ये निशान,
मुठ्ठी मैं कस के पकड़े रेत के कुछ ख्वाब,
ओस की बूँदो में नहा कर निकले हैं..

पैबंद

2009-03-12T15:09:00.001+05:30

बड़ी देर तक हम उनसे नज़रें मिलाते रहे,
क़ि वो अफ़साना कुछ तो बयां हो,

निगाहे उनकी कुछ कहती भी थी शायद,
पर हम ही कुछ यू समझे,

यूँ ही होता तो ये अजब सी कशिश
अधूरी सी बातें शायद ख़त्म ना होती,

मेरा ये अधूरापन सवालों के जवाब देता
मैं फिर बेवजह मुस्कुरा कर कहता
कि मैं आज फिर खुश हूँ,

खुश ही हूँ शायद अपने इस पन पर
अपनी आरज़ू के इस बेरंग से पैबंद पर,

समेटकर आँखों में मेरी यह सारी डोर,
मुड़ जाती हैं आज भी कुछ इच्छाएँ बेवजह मेरी और....

भेस

2009-03-11T11:45:00.000+05:30

अनछुआ मैं बहुत साल से,
छुपा हुआ था अब तक,
छोड़कर अपना अस्तित्व,
बदल रहा हूं भेस अब,

चाहत जो थी एक दिन,
अब उसी का नाम प्यार है,
प्यार बदला इच्छा में,
इच्छा अब ज़रूरत है,

चाहत में तुम कहीं नहीं थी,
प्यार तुम बिन प्यार ना होता,
इच्छा थोड़ी स्वार्थी है,
ज़रूरत पर तुमसे परे है,

चाहत में तुम अनजान थी,
प्यार में तुम सहमी सी,
इच्छाओं में तुम चाहती मुझे,
ज़रूरत में तुम्हे प्यार चाहिए,

दोषी कौन है इस व्यथा में,
असमंजस या अनजान अपेक्षाएँ,
या असमय मिलन समय का,
व्यर्थ है अब सोचना भी,

ना रह पाओ अगर अनछुए,
छोड़ अस्तित्व कहाँ जाओगे,
ज़रूरतों को प्यार बना लो,
समय को तुम फिर से चला लो......

अनजान शहर

2009-02-28T00:30:00.000+05:30

अनजान शहर और दूर एक मंज़िल,
जाना पहचाना सा रास्ता और सीने मैं एक दिल,
कभी दिल के बहुत पास, तो कभी बहुत दूर,
मगर यह दिल जीतने पर मज़बूर,
प्यार करना ही नही आज लक्श्य मेरा,
जीत कर हार देना ही आज भाग्य मेरा,
पाकर खोना चाहता हूँ तुम्हे मैं,
जैसे मरकर फिर जीना चाहता हूँ मैं,
उस प्यार की तलाश में
उस अधूरेपन की तलाश में,
मैं बड़ा जा रहा था,
दिखी तुम उस समय की तरह,
जो महसूस करने से पहले बीत गया,
याद रही उस सपने की तरह,
जो सपना बन कर रह गया,
चाहत उस घाव की तरह,
जो भरना ही नही चाहती,
तुमने आकर मेरी तलाश ख़त्म की,
जैसे जीवन जीने की आस ख़त्म की...........

पानी की बूँद

2009-02-18T15:20:00.000+05:30

आसमान से थोड़ा प्यार टपका
और रोस के बालों में आ के अटका,

पानी की एक बूँद थी शायद,
या हवा की वो खुशबू,

सब लोगों के बीच मैं जिसने,
सिर्फ़ रोस को ही पकड़ा,

अपने अपने मॅन के किस्से,
अपना अपना पागलपन,

प्यार अगर जो दिख जाता,
या फिर थोड़ा छुप जाता,

रोस हमारी हँसती रहती,
और प्यार उसे सब मिल जाता...

P.S. रोस is Rose...

Completely Incomplete

2009-02-02T11:55:00.000+05:30

Trying to write since many days but could not write a full meaningful thing. So few completely incomplete stuff...

नम है फिर आज मेरा मॅन
और आँखें साथी मॅन की
होठ मेरे कंपकँपाते
हाथ भी हैं थरथराते

बोलता कुछ और ही हूँ,
चाहता पर कुछ और.....

one more...

नींव मेरी मेरा मॅन,
पानी सा मेरा जीवन,
ढल जाउन किसी भी रंग मैं,
पर बहुँ बस तेरी ओर,

तुम हो जैसे एक सागर,
मैं अगर नदी बन जाउन,
मिलता हूँ पल पल मैं तुम मैं,
मॅन तुम्हारा पर बड़ा विशाल,

और कभी बारिश मैं बन के,
मुस्कुराहट ले आता हूँ,
रूप तुम भी हो बदलती,
मैं तो बस पानी समान,

one more

यह कौन मेरे शहर मैं नया आया है,
अपने रंग और अपनी हँसी साथ लाया है....

now the final incomplete one

Blind by choice
and
Deaf by noise
I am breathing pain
in my own my world...
Travelling back and forth
with empty heart
sitting helplessly sad
with my smoke filled self
I am watching you
going some place else.....

Self Centered

2009-01-15T14:55:00.000+05:30

I do not accept many things which I should have. Even when I know I am wrong. Few things should be the way I want them to be. Not right or wrong. More we learn in life more things from wrong zone shifts to the right zone. Means my domain, to do wrong and still find a reasonable reason to support it, increases. But sadly only my domain to do wrong increases! My expectations domain does not change. I can do wrong but I cannot accept anything wrong. The more I learn or should I say grow, I should be more acceptable, more understanding. Instead I become more particular and more self centered.

Doctors Farm

2009-01-05T19:08:00.000+05:30

Doctors Farm
The place belongs to a doctor and indeed he is a doctor. It works like a filtering machine which will filter all your stress and will leave you relaxed. You can call it a nature therapy, a stress buster or a chill pill.
Got up at 0530 Hrs (seems that we have to get ready to go to school) and still could not manage to reach on time. Some unavoidable circumstances, as we always call it. Started at around 0700 Hrs from powai. Reached the first meeting point. A gang of around 30. Off to kolad for the weekend.
First stop at Kamath – Missal paav seems to be the breakfast referred by all the health conscious guys (those who are consciously not doing any exercise even their beer bellies are growing more than the India’s GDP growth rate). Slightly unhealthy breakfast followed by a super cool fag. Not to forget all the crispy chips and juice on the way.
Glowing green seems to be the theme for that particular day. Amazing, glowing, green morning. We reached the place after one more hour of green bath. Thanks to the flawless navigation by G and M and few interruptions by one local cowboy and gaon ki goris who told us the right way to reach the place.
We checked in a dormitory which was designated for girls and girls checked in the rooms far away from us. Everybody jumped in the bed and few like me slept like we have come there to sleep. Then started the typical ‘Boys dormitory’ fun. It was like somebody had pressed a refresh button and all our college days memories got refreshed. One hour of most intellectual session of the trip. Few who were very unlike me took the initiative and decided to go to a waterfall. Seems exciting but not indeed until it was announced that beers will also be following us. These beers, I don’t know how, but reaches almost everywhere we go.
Before leaving for the waterfall we had a small sports break and almost everybody showed their impeccable skills. Sports reveal a totally different self in us.
The way to waterfall was a one way road not by choice but by chance. Our car and a bus had a head on meeting in the middle of the road. Then finally the bus driver agreed to take the bus back to a point from where we can cross each other without colliding. We had to park the cars on a bridge, two ways for a change and we used the other way for parking. So after all this little interruptions we reached to the semi-final destination. Final destination is to have fun and we will reach there too.
The water fall was not very big but enough to bring out the kid in us. We all wanted to reach to the point where it was falling. Few took their own way and few helped others in making it there. Good weather, good company and certainly a very good place to chill and relax.
It was around evening when the second session of the trip began. The party. Half open place like a room with ceiling covered and one side opened to a river and the other to the guest house. The next thing which turned out in the favour of the party was that there was no mobile signal. Place was far away from highway to have network. Nobody was busy on phone. Everybody had to sit there. Party started in a very gentle way. Everybody was having drinks. Quietly talking to the people around. Music in the background. Everybody relaxing. And in between some people will get up and start dancing to the ‘pappu cant dance’ and ‘main tally ho gayi’. Then after a couple of drinks Somebody gave the brilliant idea of making a punch as we used to make in college. They mixed almost everything. Beer, whisky, vodka, black rum, white rum, sprite, water, lemon, ice, few small insects which were flying around, all the tangy sweat and lots of flavor to make it just wonderful.
Party started to pick up the pace faster than us. And we have to take few quickies to reach to the level. The mood was totally changed. Everybody screaming and dancing. Few decently and few not so decently but enjoying. It stretched for about 5 hours. Drinks, dance, music, food, jokes, push-ups, poetry, fun, smiles, laughs, joy. It was just the perfect ending of a wonderful day.
This brings to the end of part one. Part two has got little different experience. Adventurous might be the right word.

Perfectly Imperfect

2008-12-07T15:37:00.001+05:30

Lets start about Mumbai. At first sight you will not love this place, moreover if you are from a small town, chances are more that you will dislike mumbai. Too much crowded, local train and the feeling that somebody will come, rob you and you will not be able to do anything, somebody will steal your luggage or the auto rickshaw guy will keep rotating you in big circles and will ask too much money from you. At least this is how I thought. I traveled to many countries in the world but never felt so insecure. Finally after all my good luck and by gods grace I got a job in Mumbai. And I am here since last 8 months and totally in love with this place. Most probably the perfect place to live in India. Vada paav, samosa paav, local train, auto rickshaw, marine drive, gate way of India, alibagh, elephanta caves, aksa beach, Tata Memorial Hospital, IIT Mumbai, siddhi vinayak mandir, haaji ali, amitabh bachchan, juhu beach and chowpaati, Bandra band stand, countless wonderful restaurants, hawain shanks(disque), Hard rock café, juhu on toes, Tian, aare colony. So much to do here. So much to live with. Full of life and the pace. National anthem before a movie starts. 9 out of ten times the auto rickshaw bill will be same if you are commuting from one place to other. Like in my case as I commute from office to home. Auto rickshaw guy will even give you one rupee back and will never try to exploit you. You can have a good meal in 25 Rs and sometimes even 2500 Rs will not be enough. You can go to juhu beach at midnight and sit there for hours without anybody disturbing you. Buy a T-shirt and wear it round the year because no winter here. Want to live in with your girlfriend this is the place. Nobody mind anybody. There is always enough space in the local train to accommodate you. People living in one room welcome their relatives and friends from outside with unexpected warmth. Nobody will tell you a wrong address. People are generally helpful and ground to earth. Cosmopolitan at its best. People from all over the country live here in harmony. I think the only place in India where theater is still alive. Plays and live concerts and all by finest of artists. Girls are safe here. Live alone, travel alone even late in the night, no problems. This is what Mumbai is. Perfect.
Since the time the series of bomb blasts started almost everybody expected that one day or the other this will happen in Mumbai too. I think terrorists also love Mumbai as we do. They want to make it big here and they did. They made it so big that all of us are shocked to the core of mind and heart. Everything seems to be little unsafe again. All the joy of going to places and enjoying moments is converting into helplessness. You are not safe in the office, nor in the home and nor on the road. They can come at any place and shoot a bullet at you. Life has suddenly became a warfront and I the victim. That is what I have become. A victim of the terror and shock. The love for Mumbai made it too sweet to be sour. Perfectly Imperfect.
But as I always believe in

हर रात की एक सुबह होती है,
जिंदगी के बाद एक और जिंदगी होती है.

I will not let this shock wave drown me. And so the people everywhere in Mumbai are thinking. Life will come to a normal again and this place will continue to be the most vibrant city in India.

Strong and still going

2008-11-06T16:43:00.000+05:30

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was something which I could not recognize. The second thing also I could not recognize. No wrong. I can not recognize anything. I am in a new world.

I will describe this feeling of coming to a new world if I could. One day. For sure!

All I could manage was a stare. Long and steady. Into the eyes of somebody who was staring at me more intently than me. Strange! He touched my face and his expression changed. That was better than the stare. I also joined him in the change but not for the better. I felt little uneasy and started crying. Nobody taught me to cry if I feel uneasy or to smile, like the other guy, if he is happy. But we both expressed ourselves in most natural way.

He started moving me in all the directions possible and started saying something which I could not understand. I got scared and stopped crying. He smiled again. I bring smile to him even I if cry. Seems his behavior is immune to what I do. Strange again!

I felt something in my stomach and I started crying. Somehow they could make it out and the guy who was holding me opened my mouth and put something in it. I felt better. But I did not know what to do with that. Everybody waited, including me. Then I just gulped it. Nobody taught me to do that either but I did it. I felt better and they put more in mouth and I gulped more. Party time I think!

So today I learned an important lesson. Cry if something is bothering you and you will get the job done.

I must tell you about me now. My name is , I don’t know. They haven’t named me yet. I am one hour old now strong and still going.

Good Morning

2008-10-08T18:42:00.000+05:30

I was in the middle of sleep. Somebody rang the bell of my house. I wake up and soon started to find you around me. You were not there. I looked in the other room. You were not there. Where have you gone?

The bell rang again.

I went to check the door. My friend was on the door. I opened the door.

I turned around and again started to think about you. Little anxious now! Where have you gone without telling me. It never happens that you do not tell me before going anywhere. Why suddenly you have disappeared.

Just then I realized that u were never there. I was in some other world. A world created by me. A balloon filled with dreams. World inside a chocolate cake!

I Came back to sleep again. As soon as I closed my eyes I got you. My eyes did not let me feel you around me. Now I could see your face. You live in this world. My world!

I slept peacefully never to wake up again. I want to stay with you forever.

It was around 0600 hrs in the morning. My phone rang. I wake up. You again disappeared. I picked up the phone. It was you saying “Good Morning”.

Gandhi Jayanti Vs Eid Mubaarak

2008-10-03T13:27:00.000+05:30

All the mails are still alive in my mind. There is a discussion about the bomb blasts and hindu muslim thing in one of the forums I am a member of. So we (as we all are the member of that forum and know all the guys involved) followed the discussion and put forth all the brilliant stuff all night long.

Today is 2^nd October and about 0830 Hrs in the morning. I have to go to borivali station to pick my friend who is coming to Mumbai to visit me. I took an auto from marole to andheri station and then I will take a train from there to reach borivali. Local train again. All these mails about bomb blasts did nothing but made me think more and more about it. And the more I think the more I get worried. Bombay is not safe. Being Gandhi Jayanti today it becomes a perfect occasion too. I hate it when Gandhi ji is in any way connected to such mishappenings. His birthday gives a reason for people to plant bombs and kill each other. Occasion, as it should be called. His soul must be aching with utter disgust and he must have cursed himself of either his birth or the fact that he is Gandhi. He must have reconsidered his whole life and preferred to remain a common man. See the power of evil.

As I was moving in auto I noticed something really fresh about the day. I noticed few hoarding greeting Eid mubaarak. I confirmed with the auto guy. Today is Eid. After a few initial thoughts of my personal experiences about the festival I came back to bomb blast series. I suddenly felt relaxed and you know why. I felt that today there cannot be any bomb blast. At least today there wont be any. No logics here. This is a pure gut feeling.

May be the discussions we always have, may be my limited knowledge of all these mishappening or may be because of all the bollywood movies I see. I don’t know why I reach to such a conclusion with such invalid premises.

I reached to one more conclusion and this time also the premises are invalid. I think god only scheduled everything in such a way that the two occasions clashed together and peace won the battle. I said the premises to be invalid as I don’t believe in god, at least not the kind we generally talk about (temple and/or mosque and/or church type).

Today is 3^rd october around afternoon and I am relaxed. I know that there was no big nuisance yesterday and everything went well.

परछाई

2008-10-01T11:33:00.000+05:30

पानी में अपनी परछाई देख,
मैं घबरा गया,
सोचा एक ही बहुत था,
एक और कहाँ से आ गया,

हवा के धक्के से ये लगा की,
गिर ना जाऊं कहीं,
ख़ुद के इस प्रतिबिम्ब से,
मिल ना जाऊं कहीं,

ख़ुद को ख़ुद से अलग रखना,
हम सभी जानते हैं,
और फिर भी बिना प्रतिबिम्ब के,
स्वयं को पूरा मानते हैं....

Chillex

2008-09-26T10:50:00.000+05:30

Blogging can't keep me busy. Nothing can. I need to have something else to keep me engaged.

By now I was hoping that we got engaged to people, not to some extracurricular activity but somehow it seems that I was totally wrong. We get used to habits rather then anything else. Habit of remembering people, habit of talking to somebody in particular, habit of sharing each and everything we have, habit of living in dreams, habit of accepting the defeat, habit of thinking that I cant live without this habit. Strange!

I am not habitual of any such thing. These all are very carefully taken decision. I decided to love people. See I have grown up. I can decide whom to love and whom not to.

She always used to say that if you love somebody because of any reason, that reason, sooner or later, will loose its meaning and then what. End of the fairy tale. End of a dream run.

Feelings don’t die or do they?

Death doesn't affect the destiny or does it?

Should I fight for life or just accept it as my destiny.

I should better be writing some uninteresting blogs then to ask so many questions.

Chill man. Chillex (Chill + Relax).

Now typically in my own style. Four lines to end this one (Copyrights reserved).

मधु की चाह मैं उड़ता मैं,

तुम पर आकर ठहर गया हूँ,

तुम सुमन बहुत ही कोमल,

मैं स्वार्थी दूषित जीव.

Explosion

2008-09-15T19:41:00.000+05:30

An expolsion and i shatterd into pieces.All my pieces spreaded so far that still i couldnot recollect myself. Major part of whatever i could recollect is here, writing this not-so-very-interesting-note. Few parts are so far that i cannot even think of bringing them back and few are just missing.

I dont like explosions.
I dont even like things tearing apart.

I am afraid, How will i live now, without all my important stuff.

There is a teacher somewhere which teach us to live without the important
stuff, without our own parts, without our loved ones, without our emotions, without the hope. And we, like very good students, always learn to live without it. Everybody proves himself to be the best judge of the situations he is facing and learn to compromise. Like water we take the shape of the glass. Like a kite we fly with the wind. Like a blank paper we let somebody else write something on us.

2008-09-09T10:12:00.000+05:30

पलटकर आज भी देखता हूँ उन यादों को,
फूलों मैं ओस की बूंदों से छुपे थे हम,
रेत पर कुछ नक्शे हमने भी बहुत बनाये,
पिघलती हुई बर्फ मैं हम भी बहुत नहाये,
चलते चलते हम थम गए थे जैसे,
मेरी आँखों के वो सपने जम गए थे कुछ ऐसे,
की जाने क्यों ये चाँद आज भी डरा देता है,
बिस्तर से सोते सोते आज भी जगा देता है...

शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी

2008-08-28T11:02:00.000+05:30

बातों बातों मैं जिक्र आया था,
कहते कहते दिल भर आया था,
लगता था एक अफ़साना सुना रहे हैं हम,
छोटी सी उस इच्छा का मतलब बता रहे हैं हम...

हाथ बढाकर छूकर देखी,
बातों बातों मैं खुशबू थी,
थोडी ठंडी थोडी मीठी,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

पीले रंगों मैं लिपटी वो,
आंखों मैं कुछ रहती ऐसे,
प्यार मुझे हुआ था जिससे,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

कहते कहते भर गई आँखें,
सहते सहते मैं मुस्काया,
उस कोने से मुझे बुलाती,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

मन ही मन मैं बातें करना,
दूर सही पर साथ ही रहना,
बंद आंखों से तुम्हे देखना,
शायद वोह मेरी इच्छा थी,

कुछ कह कर फिर हंस जाना,
बीच मैं रूककर थोड़ा सा रोना,
हँसते हँसते निकले आंसू,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी....

:-)

2008-08-22T10:59:00.000+05:30

मेरे साथ रहकर तुम इतराती बहुत हो,
बीच बीच मैं कुछ सोचकर मुस्कुराती बहुत हो,
काटती हो अपने ही होठों को कुछ कहकर,
इंतज़ार मैं मेरे जवाब के तुम झल्लाती बहुत हो...

अक्सर फूलों को तोड़ने मैं काटें चुभ जाते हैं, उसे फूलों से खेलने का शौक था। लहराने का, मचलने का और मेरे साथ रहकर इतराने का शौक था। रोंती बहुत थी वो जैसे कभी हंस न पाएगी फिर, पर मेरे पास आकर उसे मुस्कुराने का शौक था। खाना जैसे मेज़ पर रखा गुलदस्ता था उसके लिए, उसे मेरे हाथ से खाने का शौक था। रोटी मुंह मैं रख कर बहुत देर सोचती थी वो, मुझे याद करने का उससे शौक था। नींद मैं भी अगर हाथ छुट जाए तो जाग जाती थी वो और सपनो मैं ना जाने कहाँ घूम आती थी वो, उसे मेरे साथ घूमने का शौक था.बोलना भी भूल जाती थी वो, और सोचते सोचते अक्सर मेरे पास सो जाती थी वो, उसे शायद मेरे पास रहने का शौक था।

I Don't Know

2008-07-28T12:09:00.000+05:30

I never pray. Except for a few exceptions. Whenever I have overhauled a purifier (when I was working on a ship. that’s a machinery used on ships to Purify oil) I always started it with the name of god. I don’t know but I could never trust myself and the machinery enough to be assured that it will run properly. That will prove at least one thing that I am not a Non-believer. People like me who doesn’t pray routinely, never go to a temple, don’t think that they belong to any specific religion should not be considered as atheist. I am not a non-believer. I believe in self. I believe in present. I believe in life. I believe in love.

Purifier as I said leads to one exception in my normal behaviour. These kind of situations bring out a totally different human in me. I can’t control such situations and they can move the course of my life. I am not talking about missed opportunities but about unavoidable circumstances from where there is no coming back. The songs which we cannot rewind and listen again. I cannot identify these situations explicitly but I am sure everybody faces such situations. That is when I pray. When my belief comes into play.

When it comes to praying for a reason, I did it twice and got a 50% result.Someday I will do it again without thinking much about the outcome. Just in a hope that I will get what i want, without a strong belief on the process or on the persons involved. Otherwise also I don’t believe in god but the question remains. What will lead me to either side of this paradox. What will I get if I choose to be on the other side of it.

अहसास

2008-07-21T12:57:00.000+05:30

हाथ पर लिखा तुम्हारा ये नाम,
बातें करता है मुझसे कुछ यूँ की,
दिल में छुपी एक बात,
झाँक कर बाहर कुछ बोल रही हो जैसे,
तुम्हे देख कर कुछ ना बोल पाना मेरा,
अनछुआ ये अहसास उस प्यार का,
आँखें कभी बोल सकती अगर,
या ये दिल सुन सकता,
तो कहानी तुम्हे उस रात की सुनाता में,
मदहोश सा आवारा एक मन्,
खुल कर प्यार करना चाहता है,
पास बैठकर यूँ देखना हमें,
की यह अहसास थोडा और जीना चाहता है।

Vikas

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,

2008-07-18T16:46:00.000+05:30

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
मैं हूँ मानव अति अभिमानी,
विश्वास की द्रिड शिला मैं,
मैं दयावान अज्ञानी,

रोकता नही मैं ख़ुद को,
किसी भी अद्भुत सम्मोहन से,
जीतकर आया हूँ अब तक,
प्रत्येक मृगत्रिष्णा के भंवर से,

खोजता नही स्वयं को,
माया, निशा या ज्ञान मैं,
पथ पर बढता चला हूँ मैं,
इस भूलभुलैया विराम मैं,

कर्म मेरा धर्म है बस,
और मैं निर्मोही पालक,
द्वंद नही करते है मुझसे,
मारू, जल या भय पावक,

पुत्र हूँ ना मैं किसी का,
और ना ही प्रेम हूँ,
चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
अमानव मैं अचल देह हूँ।

Vikas

Happyness

2008-07-18T15:22:00.000+05:30

Place - Auroville Beach, Pondicherry
Time - Just when the Night Breaks in.
Cast - Aki, ARP<>MRP, BholeMumbai, CS(?), KJ and hot beer---Slightly in (alphabetical) order
Play - Can money buy everything in life...

Two firangs are still taking sunbath and we wish they do it all night(never mind even it
becomes a moon bath after some time). Though it was not in any way, part of the play but for the cast backstage it was a delicious break.

As always CS doesnt like it plain. Hot Beer generally gives him a different high. So here we are. Discussing (unless bholemumbai becomes active in the play) whether money can buy happyness or not.

ARP<>Mrp -- We are all fools(Not for any specific reason)(Generally) and this is not the way life,i mean these vacations could be enjoyed.if we have more money probably we can buy much more facilities for ourself and in turn more satisfaction.

CS(?) -- Yes, For sure. i wanted to drive a ford icon all the way from banglore to pondicherry but that stupid owner refused because i did a small mistake while test driving.but i am pretty sure that if i could offer him more money, he would have given his car.so the bottom line is u have more money, you can hire a car means everyhting u crave for.

Suddenly Aki who was enjoying his bath till now jumps in.

Aki -- Why cant u just accept that even if you would have offfered him more money he would still have refused because you did a very basic mistake and that cannot be accepted.

KJ and Bholemumbai are looking at the hotbeer because kharra doesnt want to have it and bholemumbai wants to have it for all the different reasons.

Anyways the discussion brought everybody in and finally there were two teams. One strong (KJ, ARP and CS) and other even stronger (Bholemumbai and Aki).

We discussed various aspects from driving down to having seafood to yana gupta to vijay mallya to helicopter on sea bed to private cottage at auroville beach to honesty to integrity to woman to medical science to power to money to happyness...

But by the time we could reach to a conclusion, the time was over, We had to push off to reach banglore back on time.

It always happens that we never reach to a conclusion because we dont want to, I suppose.
The process becomes so important and so fullfilling that we dont want to reach to an end.
And so the life goes.
We have money or not we have to enjoy life.
Most of the times we do it but unknowingly.

Power Cut

2008-07-18T15:19:00.002+05:30

Just as I opened the door of my house, Power cut. Something has gone wrong with the main source. This source does not only provide energy to run the electric utensils but also provides the energy to run humans. I, being one of them, has come to a stand still now. It is like a state of complete rest. Not a single motion of body and thoughts. It is like a temporary death. Once the power will resume I will come to life again. This is how we are living now. But I live in a developed society, not in a village far away where you do not have backups. I keep my back up battery charged all the time to use it in such instances. Now I have got a temporary power to be active for another few hours. Temporary power or say temporary life. Once this temporary power finishes I will again come to a position of stand still. Complete rest.

The power cut from the main source was like a normal situation which I can not control but this power back up is something different. I always become very thoughtful in these times. It is like you know you are going to die after some time and you want to utilize that time in the best possible manner. So now I am standing at a very important junction from where I have to decide what to do in the next few hours to optimize my existence.

Move 1 – I thought of repairing the system so that there will be no more power cuts. No more temporary death. At least I will be living a continuous life. I guess this is the best possible solution of the problem. But at the same time it is really out of my approach. As I do not know anything about the system and never have tried to find out how it works. So for thinking of a solution in such a short span is really not feasible! This thought has come to my mind many times while in normal conditions but I never did my homework to be prepared.

Move 2 – After realizing this that I can not repair the system I accepted the fact that now I am alive for few more hours and then will be dead temporarily. I tried to put all my efforts to relax. I just wanted to stay calm and happy for that period of the time. Or should I say I just wanted to be the happiest. But contrary to my logic I found that no such term like happiest exist. I can be happy or happier than happy, but never happiest. So my quest to become happiest also ended and rather then relaxing, my mind continued wandering for other possibilities.

Move 3 – Let me tell you about one of my special friend ‘FUTURE’. This guy is just the kind of guys you will never see around. Always busy in something. And everybody says that he is not one of us. He lives in some other world. But he keeps coming to our world and goes back again. And whenever I talk to him he tells me something which is still to happen. Though I do not trust him fully, he always manages to tell me the truth. So I picked up my phone and called him. His phone was as usual busy. I got a bit anxious about my next 3 or 4 hours and his busy phone made me more desperate to know what is there in store for me. I thought it is better not to have friends like this. Who gives you a hope but never turn up in need.

Just at the time when I was not thinking about future or about happiness or about survival I found one interesting machine lying in one corner of my room. This is ‘Time Killing Machine’. This machine kills time. There are many ways to understand what it does but the simple most is that it will make you travel ahead in time. You can not go back now. Your time between these two points is simply killed. But if you think otherwise, what this machine is doing is killing future. Your future between these two points is also killed. So if you do not want to live that particular chapter in your life you can very well move ahead. Thinking more about it, I also come to a conclusion that this machine basically keeps you in your present by making it an option to kill your future. At whichever point you will be you will be in present. You will live present and if ou do not like it move to another present. Or you can say that this machine will make me unconscious about everything that is not present or make me more conscious about my present. My state of being! My self!

I used it. Because that seems to be the only solution of the anxiety! I could not just wait for the things to happen. All my time got vanished and I come to the state of power cut again.

I did not know when I came to life again. I entered the house and started life as usual. Eating, sleeping, working, enjoying but always worried about my future, about being happiest or about my existence!

One fine day I happened to notice that time killing machine again. Suddenly I could see the chain of events happened during the state of power cut. And I realized that this part of my life is similar to that part during power cut. I wondered how ignorant I am! How very forgetful and short sighted not to learn from my own past!

I then decided to kill all my time (read future). There is a catch in the situation. I can not kill all my time. I do not know the extent of it. So I did it with my own conscience. I decided to kill all my time by living in my present. I decide that I will live in my present, live with my present.

Today I live in present. I eat because I am hungry. I work because I love my work. I sit in between and feel all the velvety time I have not for any reason but because I like it this way.

Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

2008-07-18T13:19:00.000+05:30

This is a story of Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

Chintu rolled down the cheek and then comes Pintu. 'I hate free falls',said Chintu. Everybody expects that he should be loved and cared. Somebody should be there to hold you when you are
down, When you need. There are some fortunate tears which have caretakers. They never have to fall freely from the eyes. They never have to bother about their instant fate. They do not hit ground and shatter into peices. They are even remembered after a long time.people tell stories about them. But Nobody like tears like chintu and pintu. They are creating disturbance in the person's mind. They are making him feel unwanted. They are the molten angst. they are the wound in the heart.
But there is one more side to it. Chintu and Pintu leave the subject calm and relaxed. They leave him stronger. They make ups and down a part of his life. They make him an acceptor. Acceptor of inconvenient and unwanted truth. They leave him motivated to fight. They eventually give him a reason to smile.

Smile...Oh i just forgot to tell you about her...

Everybody smile when she is with me.She is the door to my heart.
She is the best possesion i have. she is the best infection i have.
She is the flowing happiness around me. She is the infinite life around me.
She equals to a weight of 100kg love. she keeps me lighter than a flying dove.
She is the mumbai rain. She is the never ending sweet pain.
She is the music in the ear. She is the best dress i wear.
She is my poetic chaos. She is the one named "ROSE".

They three are a team. They complement each other well, But seldom you will find them together. One has to be vanished for the other to come. The very basic nature of them is somewhat ironical. But i am desparate to make them one working team. One existing unit. So from now on I will always smile a little after I cry or should I say I will cry a little after I laugh.

रोशनी

2008-07-17T15:48:00.000+05:30

जिंदगी क्या किसी मोड़ पे जा के ख़तम हो जायेगी या यह मोड़ कहीं अंधेरे मैं गुम हो जायेंगे. अगर मेरी जिंदगी का अंत एक अंधेरे का गुबार है तो क्यों मुझमे कुछ पाने का लालच है, क्योंकि मैं इस अंधेरे के पहले ही रौशनी मैं गुम हो जाना चाहता हूँ और इस रोशनी के पीछे मैं मरते दम तक भागूंगा. सब यही करते हैं और मैं भी इस्सी कोशिश मैं एक दिन अँधेरा बन जाऊँगा…

Vikas

P.S. - This is first note i have ever written for myself.