I Don't Know

I never pray. Except for a few exceptions. Whenever I have overhauled a purifier (when I was working on a ship. that’s a machinery used on ships to Purify oil) I always started it with the name of god. I don’t know but I could never trust myself and the machinery enough to be assured that it will run properly. That will prove at least one thing that I am not a Non-believer. People like me who doesn’t pray routinely, never go to a temple, don’t think that they belong to any specific religion should not be considered as atheist. I am not a non-believer. I believe in self. I believe in present. I believe in life. I believe in love.

Purifier as I said leads to one exception in my normal behaviour. These kind of situations bring out a totally different human in me. I can’t control such situations and they can move the course of my life. I am not talking about missed opportunities but about unavoidable circumstances from where there is no coming back. The songs which we cannot rewind and listen again. I cannot identify these situations explicitly but I am sure everybody faces such situations. That is when I pray. When my belief comes into play.

When it comes to praying for a reason, I did it twice and got a 50% result.Someday I will do it again without thinking much about the outcome. Just in a hope that I will get what i want, without a strong belief on the process or on the persons involved. Otherwise also I don’t believe in god but the question remains. What will lead me to either side of this paradox. What will I get if I choose to be on the other side of it.

अहसास

हाथ पर लिखा तुम्हारा ये नाम,
बातें करता है मुझसे कुछ यूँ की,
दिल में छुपी एक बात,
झाँक कर बाहर कुछ बोल रही हो जैसे,
तुम्हे देख कर कुछ ना बोल पाना मेरा,
अनछुआ ये अहसास उस प्यार का,
आँखें कभी बोल सकती अगर,
या ये दिल सुन सकता,
तो कहानी तुम्हे उस रात की सुनाता में,
मदहोश सा आवारा एक मन्,
खुल कर प्यार करना चाहता है,
पास बैठकर यूँ देखना हमें,
की यह अहसास थोडा और जीना चाहता है।


Vikas

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
मैं हूँ मानव अति अभिमानी,
विश्वास की द्रिड शिला मैं,
मैं दयावान अज्ञानी,

रोकता नही मैं ख़ुद को,
किसी भी अद्भुत सम्मोहन से,
जीतकर आया हूँ अब तक,
प्रत्येक मृगत्रिष्णा के भंवर से,

खोजता नही स्वयं को,
माया, निशा या ज्ञान मैं,
पथ पर बढता चला हूँ मैं,
इस भूलभुलैया विराम मैं,

कर्म मेरा धर्म है बस,
और मैं निर्मोही पालक,
द्वंद नही करते है मुझसे,
मारू, जल या भय पावक,

पुत्र हूँ ना मैं किसी का,
और ना ही प्रेम हूँ,
चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
अमानव मैं अचल देह हूँ।

Vikas

Happyness

Place - Auroville Beach, Pondicherry
Time - Just when the Night Breaks in.
Cast - Aki, ARP<>MRP, BholeMumbai, CS(?), KJ and hot beer---Slightly in (alphabetical) order
Play - Can money buy everything in life...

Two firangs are still taking sunbath and we wish they do it all night(never mind even it
becomes a moon bath after some time). Though it was not in any way, part of the play but for the cast backstage it was a delicious break.

As always CS doesnt like it plain. Hot Beer generally gives him a different high. So here we are. Discussing (unless bholemumbai becomes active in the play) whether money can buy happyness or not.

ARP<>Mrp -- We are all fools(Not for any specific reason)(Generally) and this is not the way life,i mean these vacations could be enjoyed.if we have more money probably we can buy much more facilities for ourself and in turn more satisfaction.

CS(?) -- Yes, For sure. i wanted to drive a ford icon all the way from banglore to pondicherry but that stupid owner refused because i did a small mistake while test driving.but i am pretty sure that if i could offer him more money, he would have given his car.so the bottom line is u have more money, you can hire a car means everyhting u crave for.

Suddenly Aki who was enjoying his bath till now jumps in.

Aki -- Why cant u just accept that even if you would have offfered him more money he would still have refused because you did a very basic mistake and that cannot be accepted.

KJ and Bholemumbai are looking at the hotbeer because kharra doesnt want to have it and bholemumbai wants to have it for all the different reasons.

Anyways the discussion brought everybody in and finally there were two teams. One strong (KJ, ARP and CS) and other even stronger (Bholemumbai and Aki).

We discussed various aspects from driving down to having seafood to yana gupta to vijay mallya to helicopter on sea bed to private cottage at auroville beach to honesty to integrity to woman to medical science to power to money to happyness...

But by the time we could reach to a conclusion, the time was over, We had to push off to reach banglore back on time.

It always happens that we never reach to a conclusion because we dont want to, I suppose.
The process becomes so important and so fullfilling that we dont want to reach to an end.
And so the life goes.
We have money or not we have to enjoy life.
Most of the times we do it but unknowingly.

Power Cut

Just as I opened the door of my house, Power cut. Something has gone wrong with the main source. This source does not only provide energy to run the electric utensils but also provides the energy to run humans. I, being one of them, has come to a stand still now. It is like a state of complete rest. Not a single motion of body and thoughts. It is like a temporary death. Once the power will resume I will come to life again. This is how we are living now. But I live in a developed society, not in a village far away where you do not have backups. I keep my back up battery charged all the time to use it in such instances. Now I have got a temporary power to be active for another few hours. Temporary power or say temporary life. Once this temporary power finishes I will again come to a position of stand still. Complete rest.

The power cut from the main source was like a normal situation which I can not control but this power back up is something different. I always become very thoughtful in these times. It is like you know you are going to die after some time and you want to utilize that time in the best possible manner. So now I am standing at a very important junction from where I have to decide what to do in the next few hours to optimize my existence.

Move 1 – I thought of repairing the system so that there will be no more power cuts. No more temporary death. At least I will be living a continuous life. I guess this is the best possible solution of the problem. But at the same time it is really out of my approach. As I do not know anything about the system and never have tried to find out how it works. So for thinking of a solution in such a short span is really not feasible! This thought has come to my mind many times while in normal conditions but I never did my homework to be prepared.

Move 2 – After realizing this that I can not repair the system I accepted the fact that now I am alive for few more hours and then will be dead temporarily. I tried to put all my efforts to relax. I just wanted to stay calm and happy for that period of the time. Or should I say I just wanted to be the happiest. But contrary to my logic I found that no such term like happiest exist. I can be happy or happier than happy, but never happiest. So my quest to become happiest also ended and rather then relaxing, my mind continued wandering for other possibilities.

Move 3 – Let me tell you about one of my special friend ‘FUTURE’. This guy is just the kind of guys you will never see around. Always busy in something. And everybody says that he is not one of us. He lives in some other world. But he keeps coming to our world and goes back again. And whenever I talk to him he tells me something which is still to happen. Though I do not trust him fully, he always manages to tell me the truth. So I picked up my phone and called him. His phone was as usual busy. I got a bit anxious about my next 3 or 4 hours and his busy phone made me more desperate to know what is there in store for me. I thought it is better not to have friends like this. Who gives you a hope but never turn up in need.

Just at the time when I was not thinking about future or about happiness or about survival I found one interesting machine lying in one corner of my room. This is ‘Time Killing Machine’. This machine kills time. There are many ways to understand what it does but the simple most is that it will make you travel ahead in time. You can not go back now. Your time between these two points is simply killed. But if you think otherwise, what this machine is doing is killing future. Your future between these two points is also killed. So if you do not want to live that particular chapter in your life you can very well move ahead. Thinking more about it, I also come to a conclusion that this machine basically keeps you in your present by making it an option to kill your future. At whichever point you will be you will be in present. You will live present and if ou do not like it move to another present. Or you can say that this machine will make me unconscious about everything that is not present or make me more conscious about my present. My state of being! My self!

I used it. Because that seems to be the only solution of the anxiety! I could not just wait for the things to happen. All my time got vanished and I come to the state of power cut again.

I did not know when I came to life again. I entered the house and started life as usual. Eating, sleeping, working, enjoying but always worried about my future, about being happiest or about my existence!

One fine day I happened to notice that time killing machine again. Suddenly I could see the chain of events happened during the state of power cut. And I realized that this part of my life is similar to that part during power cut. I wondered how ignorant I am! How very forgetful and short sighted not to learn from my own past!

I then decided to kill all my time (read future). There is a catch in the situation. I can not kill all my time. I do not know the extent of it. So I did it with my own conscience. I decided to kill all my time by living in my present. I decide that I will live in my present, live with my present.

Today I live in present. I eat because I am hungry. I work because I love my work. I sit in between and feel all the velvety time I have not for any reason but because I like it this way.

Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

This is a story of Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

Chintu rolled down the cheek and then comes Pintu. 'I hate free falls',said Chintu. Everybody expects that he should be loved and cared. Somebody should be there to hold you when you are
down, When you need. There are some fortunate tears which have caretakers. They never have to fall freely from the eyes. They never have to bother about their instant fate. They do not hit ground and shatter into peices. They are even remembered after a long time.people tell stories about them. But Nobody like tears like chintu and pintu. They are creating disturbance in the person's mind. They are making him feel unwanted. They are the molten angst. they are the wound in the heart.
But there is one more side to it. Chintu and Pintu leave the subject calm and relaxed. They leave him stronger. They make ups and down a part of his life. They make him an acceptor. Acceptor of inconvenient and unwanted truth. They leave him motivated to fight. They eventually give him a reason to smile.

Smile...Oh i just forgot to tell you about her...

Everybody smile when she is with me.She is the door to my heart.
She is the best possesion i have. she is the best infection i have.
She is the flowing happiness around me. She is the infinite life around me.
She equals to a weight of 100kg love. she keeps me lighter than a flying dove.
She is the mumbai rain. She is the never ending sweet pain.
She is the music in the ear. She is the best dress i wear.
She is my poetic chaos. She is the one named "ROSE".

They three are a team. They complement each other well, But seldom you will find them together. One has to be vanished for the other to come. The very basic nature of them is somewhat ironical. But i am desparate to make them one working team. One existing unit. So from now on I will always smile a little after I cry or should I say I will cry a little after I laugh.

रोशनी

जिंदगी क्या किसी मोड़ पे जा के ख़तम हो जायेगी या यह मोड़ कहीं अंधेरे मैं गुम हो जायेंगे. अगर मेरी जिंदगी का अंत एक अंधेरे का गुबार है तो क्यों मुझमे कुछ पाने का लालच है, क्योंकि मैं इस अंधेरे के पहले ही रौशनी मैं गुम हो जाना चाहता हूँ और इस रोशनी के पीछे मैं मरते दम तक भागूंगा. सब यही करते हैं और मैं भी इस्सी कोशिश मैं एक दिन अँधेरा बन जाऊँगा…

Vikas

P.S. - This is first note i have ever written for myself.