Perfectly Imperfect

Lets start about Mumbai. At first sight you will not love this place, moreover if you are from a small town, chances are more that you will dislike mumbai. Too much crowded, local train and the feeling that somebody will come, rob you and you will not be able to do anything, somebody will steal your luggage or the auto rickshaw guy will keep rotating you in big circles and will ask too much money from you. At least this is how I thought. I traveled to many countries in the world but never felt so insecure. Finally after all my good luck and by gods grace I got a job in Mumbai. And I am here since last 8 months and totally in love with this place. Most probably the perfect place to live in India. Vada paav, samosa paav, local train, auto rickshaw, marine drive, gate way of India, alibagh, elephanta caves, aksa beach, Tata Memorial Hospital, IIT Mumbai, siddhi vinayak mandir, haaji ali, amitabh bachchan, juhu beach and chowpaati, Bandra band stand, countless wonderful restaurants, hawain shanks(disque), Hard rock café, juhu on toes, Tian, aare colony. So much to do here. So much to live with. Full of life and the pace. National anthem before a movie starts. 9 out of ten times the auto rickshaw bill will be same if you are commuting from one place to other. Like in my case as I commute from office to home. Auto rickshaw guy will even give you one rupee back and will never try to exploit you. You can have a good meal in 25 Rs and sometimes even 2500 Rs will not be enough. You can go to juhu beach at midnight and sit there for hours without anybody disturbing you. Buy a T-shirt and wear it round the year because no winter here. Want to live in with your girlfriend this is the place. Nobody mind anybody. There is always enough space in the local train to accommodate you. People living in one room welcome their relatives and friends from outside with unexpected warmth. Nobody will tell you a wrong address. People are generally helpful and ground to earth. Cosmopolitan at its best. People from all over the country live here in harmony. I think the only place in India where theater is still alive. Plays and live concerts and all by finest of artists. Girls are safe here. Live alone, travel alone even late in the night, no problems. This is what Mumbai is. Perfect.
Since the time the series of bomb blasts started almost everybody expected that one day or the other this will happen in Mumbai too. I think terrorists also love Mumbai as we do. They want to make it big here and they did. They made it so big that all of us are shocked to the core of mind and heart. Everything seems to be little unsafe again. All the joy of going to places and enjoying moments is converting into helplessness. You are not safe in the office, nor in the home and nor on the road. They can come at any place and shoot a bullet at you. Life has suddenly became a warfront and I the victim. That is what I have become. A victim of the terror and shock. The love for Mumbai made it too sweet to be sour. Perfectly Imperfect.
But as I always believe in

हर रात की एक सुबह होती है,
जिंदगी के बाद एक और जिंदगी होती है.

I will not let this shock wave drown me. And so the people everywhere in Mumbai are thinking. Life will come to a normal again and this place will continue to be the most vibrant city in India.

Strong and still going

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was something which I could not recognize. The second thing also I could not recognize. No wrong. I can not recognize anything. I am in a new world.

I will describe this feeling of coming to a new world if I could. One day. For sure!

All I could manage was a stare. Long and steady. Into the eyes of somebody who was staring at me more intently than me. Strange! He touched my face and his expression changed. That was better than the stare. I also joined him in the change but not for the better. I felt little uneasy and started crying. Nobody taught me to cry if I feel uneasy or to smile, like the other guy, if he is happy. But we both expressed ourselves in most natural way.

He started moving me in all the directions possible and started saying something which I could not understand. I got scared and stopped crying. He smiled again. I bring smile to him even I if cry. Seems his behavior is immune to what I do. Strange again!

I felt something in my stomach and I started crying. Somehow they could make it out and the guy who was holding me opened my mouth and put something in it. I felt better. But I did not know what to do with that. Everybody waited, including me. Then I just gulped it. Nobody taught me to do that either but I did it. I felt better and they put more in mouth and I gulped more. Party time I think!

So today I learned an important lesson. Cry if something is bothering you and you will get the job done.

I must tell you about me now. My name is , I don’t know. They haven’t named me yet. I am one hour old now strong and still going.

Good Morning

I was in the middle of sleep. Somebody rang the bell of my house. I wake up and soon started to find you around me. You were not there. I looked in the other room. You were not there. Where have you gone?

The bell rang again.

I went to check the door. My friend was on the door. I opened the door.

I turned around and again started to think about you. Little anxious now! Where have you gone without telling me. It never happens that you do not tell me before going anywhere. Why suddenly you have disappeared.

Just then I realized that u were never there. I was in some other world. A world created by me. A balloon filled with dreams. World inside a chocolate cake!

I Came back to sleep again. As soon as I closed my eyes I got you. My eyes did not let me feel you around me. Now I could see your face. You live in this world. My world!

I slept peacefully never to wake up again. I want to stay with you forever.

It was around 0600 hrs in the morning. My phone rang. I wake up. You again disappeared. I picked up the phone. It was you saying “Good Morning”.

Gandhi Jayanti Vs Eid Mubaarak

All the mails are still alive in my mind. There is a discussion about the bomb blasts and hindu muslim thing in one of the forums I am a member of. So we (as we all are the member of that forum and know all the guys involved) followed the discussion and put forth all the brilliant stuff all night long.

Today is 2^nd October and about 0830 Hrs in the morning. I have to go to borivali station to pick my friend who is coming to Mumbai to visit me. I took an auto from marole to andheri station and then I will take a train from there to reach borivali. Local train again. All these mails about bomb blasts did nothing but made me think more and more about it. And the more I think the more I get worried. Bombay is not safe. Being Gandhi Jayanti today it becomes a perfect occasion too. I hate it when Gandhi ji is in any way connected to such mishappenings. His birthday gives a reason for people to plant bombs and kill each other. Occasion, as it should be called. His soul must be aching with utter disgust and he must have cursed himself of either his birth or the fact that he is Gandhi. He must have reconsidered his whole life and preferred to remain a common man. See the power of evil.

As I was moving in auto I noticed something really fresh about the day. I noticed few hoarding greeting Eid mubaarak. I confirmed with the auto guy. Today is Eid. After a few initial thoughts of my personal experiences about the festival I came back to bomb blast series. I suddenly felt relaxed and you know why. I felt that today there cannot be any bomb blast. At least today there wont be any. No logics here. This is a pure gut feeling.

May be the discussions we always have, may be my limited knowledge of all these mishappening or may be because of all the bollywood movies I see. I don’t know why I reach to such a conclusion with such invalid premises.

I reached to one more conclusion and this time also the premises are invalid. I think god only scheduled everything in such a way that the two occasions clashed together and peace won the battle. I said the premises to be invalid as I don’t believe in god, at least not the kind we generally talk about (temple and/or mosque and/or church type).

Today is 3^rd october around afternoon and I am relaxed. I know that there was no big nuisance yesterday and everything went well.

परछाई

पानी में अपनी परछाई देख,
मैं घबरा गया,
सोचा एक ही बहुत था,
एक और कहाँ से आ गया,

हवा के धक्के से ये लगा की,
गिर ना जाऊं कहीं,
ख़ुद के इस प्रतिबिम्ब से,
मिल ना जाऊं कहीं,

ख़ुद को ख़ुद से अलग रखना,
हम सभी जानते हैं,
और फिर भी बिना प्रतिबिम्ब के,
स्वयं को पूरा मानते हैं....

Chillex

Blogging can't keep me busy. Nothing can. I need to have something else to keep me engaged.

By now I was hoping that we got engaged to people, not to some extracurricular activity but somehow it seems that I was totally wrong. We get used to habits rather then anything else. Habit of remembering people, habit of talking to somebody in particular, habit of sharing each and everything we have, habit of living in dreams, habit of accepting the defeat, habit of thinking that I cant live without this habit. Strange!

I am not habitual of any such thing. These all are very carefully taken decision. I decided to love people. See I have grown up. I can decide whom to love and whom not to.

She always used to say that if you love somebody because of any reason, that reason, sooner or later, will loose its meaning and then what. End of the fairy tale. End of a dream run.

Feelings don’t die or do they?

Death doesn't affect the destiny or does it?

Should I fight for life or just accept it as my destiny.

I should better be writing some uninteresting blogs then to ask so many questions.

Chill man. Chillex (Chill + Relax).

Now typically in my own style. Four lines to end this one (Copyrights reserved).

मधु की चाह मैं उड़ता मैं,

तुम पर आकर ठहर गया हूँ,

तुम सुमन बहुत ही कोमल,

मैं स्वार्थी दूषित जीव.

Explosion

An expolsion and i shatterd into pieces.All my pieces spreaded so far that still i couldnot recollect myself. Major part of whatever i could recollect is here, writing this not-so-very-interesting-note. Few parts are so far that i cannot even think of bringing them back and few are just missing.

I dont like explosions.
I dont even like things tearing apart.

I am afraid, How will i live now, without all my important stuff.

There is a teacher somewhere which teach us to live without the important
stuff, without our own parts, without our loved ones, without our emotions, without the hope. And we, like very good students, always learn to live without it. Everybody proves himself to be the best judge of the situations he is facing and learn to compromise. Like water we take the shape of the glass. Like a kite we fly with the wind. Like a blank paper we let somebody else write something on us.

पलटकर आज भी देखता हूँ उन यादों को,
फूलों मैं ओस की बूंदों से छुपे थे हम,
रेत पर कुछ नक्शे हमने भी बहुत बनाये,
पिघलती हुई बर्फ मैं हम भी बहुत नहाये,
चलते चलते हम थम गए थे जैसे,
मेरी आँखों के वो सपने जम गए थे कुछ ऐसे,
की जाने क्यों ये चाँद आज भी डरा देता है,
बिस्तर से सोते सोते आज भी जगा देता है...

शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी

बातों बातों मैं जिक्र आया था,
कहते कहते दिल भर आया था,
लगता था एक अफ़साना सुना रहे हैं हम,
छोटी सी उस इच्छा का मतलब बता रहे हैं हम...

हाथ बढाकर छूकर देखी,
बातों बातों मैं खुशबू थी,
थोडी ठंडी थोडी मीठी,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

पीले रंगों मैं लिपटी वो,
आंखों मैं कुछ रहती ऐसे,
प्यार मुझे हुआ था जिससे,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

कहते कहते भर गई आँखें,
सहते सहते मैं मुस्काया,
उस कोने से मुझे बुलाती,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी,

मन ही मन मैं बातें करना,
दूर सही पर साथ ही रहना,
बंद आंखों से तुम्हे देखना,
शायद वोह मेरी इच्छा थी,

कुछ कह कर फिर हंस जाना,
बीच मैं रूककर थोड़ा सा रोना,
हँसते हँसते निकले आंसू,
शायद वो मेरी इच्छा थी....

:-)

मेरे साथ रहकर तुम इतराती बहुत हो,
बीच बीच मैं कुछ सोचकर मुस्कुराती बहुत हो,
काटती हो अपने ही होठों को कुछ कहकर,
इंतज़ार मैं मेरे जवाब के तुम झल्लाती बहुत हो...


अक्सर फूलों को तोड़ने मैं काटें चुभ जाते हैं, उसे फूलों से खेलने का शौक था। लहराने का, मचलने का और मेरे साथ रहकर इतराने का शौक था। रोंती बहुत थी वो जैसे कभी हंस न पाएगी फिर, पर मेरे पास आकर उसे मुस्कुराने का शौक था। खाना जैसे मेज़ पर रखा गुलदस्ता था उसके लिए, उसे मेरे हाथ से खाने का शौक था। रोटी मुंह मैं रख कर बहुत देर सोचती थी वो, मुझे याद करने का उससे शौक था। नींद मैं भी अगर हाथ छुट जाए तो जाग जाती थी वो और सपनो मैं ना जाने कहाँ घूम आती थी वो, उसे मेरे साथ घूमने का शौक था.बोलना भी भूल जाती थी वो, और सोचते सोचते अक्सर मेरे पास सो जाती थी वो, उसे शायद मेरे पास रहने का शौक था।

I Don't Know

I never pray. Except for a few exceptions. Whenever I have overhauled a purifier (when I was working on a ship. that’s a machinery used on ships to Purify oil) I always started it with the name of god. I don’t know but I could never trust myself and the machinery enough to be assured that it will run properly. That will prove at least one thing that I am not a Non-believer. People like me who doesn’t pray routinely, never go to a temple, don’t think that they belong to any specific religion should not be considered as atheist. I am not a non-believer. I believe in self. I believe in present. I believe in life. I believe in love.

Purifier as I said leads to one exception in my normal behaviour. These kind of situations bring out a totally different human in me. I can’t control such situations and they can move the course of my life. I am not talking about missed opportunities but about unavoidable circumstances from where there is no coming back. The songs which we cannot rewind and listen again. I cannot identify these situations explicitly but I am sure everybody faces such situations. That is when I pray. When my belief comes into play.

When it comes to praying for a reason, I did it twice and got a 50% result.Someday I will do it again without thinking much about the outcome. Just in a hope that I will get what i want, without a strong belief on the process or on the persons involved. Otherwise also I don’t believe in god but the question remains. What will lead me to either side of this paradox. What will I get if I choose to be on the other side of it.

अहसास

हाथ पर लिखा तुम्हारा ये नाम,
बातें करता है मुझसे कुछ यूँ की,
दिल में छुपी एक बात,
झाँक कर बाहर कुछ बोल रही हो जैसे,
तुम्हे देख कर कुछ ना बोल पाना मेरा,
अनछुआ ये अहसास उस प्यार का,
आँखें कभी बोल सकती अगर,
या ये दिल सुन सकता,
तो कहानी तुम्हे उस रात की सुनाता में,
मदहोश सा आवारा एक मन्,
खुल कर प्यार करना चाहता है,
पास बैठकर यूँ देखना हमें,
की यह अहसास थोडा और जीना चाहता है।


Vikas

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,

चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
मैं हूँ मानव अति अभिमानी,
विश्वास की द्रिड शिला मैं,
मैं दयावान अज्ञानी,

रोकता नही मैं ख़ुद को,
किसी भी अद्भुत सम्मोहन से,
जीतकर आया हूँ अब तक,
प्रत्येक मृगत्रिष्णा के भंवर से,

खोजता नही स्वयं को,
माया, निशा या ज्ञान मैं,
पथ पर बढता चला हूँ मैं,
इस भूलभुलैया विराम मैं,

कर्म मेरा धर्म है बस,
और मैं निर्मोही पालक,
द्वंद नही करते है मुझसे,
मारू, जल या भय पावक,

पुत्र हूँ ना मैं किसी का,
और ना ही प्रेम हूँ,
चाहता ना मैं किसी को,
अमानव मैं अचल देह हूँ।

Vikas

Happyness

Place - Auroville Beach, Pondicherry
Time - Just when the Night Breaks in.
Cast - Aki, ARP<>MRP, BholeMumbai, CS(?), KJ and hot beer---Slightly in (alphabetical) order
Play - Can money buy everything in life...

Two firangs are still taking sunbath and we wish they do it all night(never mind even it
becomes a moon bath after some time). Though it was not in any way, part of the play but for the cast backstage it was a delicious break.

As always CS doesnt like it plain. Hot Beer generally gives him a different high. So here we are. Discussing (unless bholemumbai becomes active in the play) whether money can buy happyness or not.

ARP<>Mrp -- We are all fools(Not for any specific reason)(Generally) and this is not the way life,i mean these vacations could be enjoyed.if we have more money probably we can buy much more facilities for ourself and in turn more satisfaction.

CS(?) -- Yes, For sure. i wanted to drive a ford icon all the way from banglore to pondicherry but that stupid owner refused because i did a small mistake while test driving.but i am pretty sure that if i could offer him more money, he would have given his car.so the bottom line is u have more money, you can hire a car means everyhting u crave for.

Suddenly Aki who was enjoying his bath till now jumps in.

Aki -- Why cant u just accept that even if you would have offfered him more money he would still have refused because you did a very basic mistake and that cannot be accepted.

KJ and Bholemumbai are looking at the hotbeer because kharra doesnt want to have it and bholemumbai wants to have it for all the different reasons.

Anyways the discussion brought everybody in and finally there were two teams. One strong (KJ, ARP and CS) and other even stronger (Bholemumbai and Aki).

We discussed various aspects from driving down to having seafood to yana gupta to vijay mallya to helicopter on sea bed to private cottage at auroville beach to honesty to integrity to woman to medical science to power to money to happyness...

But by the time we could reach to a conclusion, the time was over, We had to push off to reach banglore back on time.

It always happens that we never reach to a conclusion because we dont want to, I suppose.
The process becomes so important and so fullfilling that we dont want to reach to an end.
And so the life goes.
We have money or not we have to enjoy life.
Most of the times we do it but unknowingly.

Power Cut

Just as I opened the door of my house, Power cut. Something has gone wrong with the main source. This source does not only provide energy to run the electric utensils but also provides the energy to run humans. I, being one of them, has come to a stand still now. It is like a state of complete rest. Not a single motion of body and thoughts. It is like a temporary death. Once the power will resume I will come to life again. This is how we are living now. But I live in a developed society, not in a village far away where you do not have backups. I keep my back up battery charged all the time to use it in such instances. Now I have got a temporary power to be active for another few hours. Temporary power or say temporary life. Once this temporary power finishes I will again come to a position of stand still. Complete rest.

The power cut from the main source was like a normal situation which I can not control but this power back up is something different. I always become very thoughtful in these times. It is like you know you are going to die after some time and you want to utilize that time in the best possible manner. So now I am standing at a very important junction from where I have to decide what to do in the next few hours to optimize my existence.

Move 1 – I thought of repairing the system so that there will be no more power cuts. No more temporary death. At least I will be living a continuous life. I guess this is the best possible solution of the problem. But at the same time it is really out of my approach. As I do not know anything about the system and never have tried to find out how it works. So for thinking of a solution in such a short span is really not feasible! This thought has come to my mind many times while in normal conditions but I never did my homework to be prepared.

Move 2 – After realizing this that I can not repair the system I accepted the fact that now I am alive for few more hours and then will be dead temporarily. I tried to put all my efforts to relax. I just wanted to stay calm and happy for that period of the time. Or should I say I just wanted to be the happiest. But contrary to my logic I found that no such term like happiest exist. I can be happy or happier than happy, but never happiest. So my quest to become happiest also ended and rather then relaxing, my mind continued wandering for other possibilities.

Move 3 – Let me tell you about one of my special friend ‘FUTURE’. This guy is just the kind of guys you will never see around. Always busy in something. And everybody says that he is not one of us. He lives in some other world. But he keeps coming to our world and goes back again. And whenever I talk to him he tells me something which is still to happen. Though I do not trust him fully, he always manages to tell me the truth. So I picked up my phone and called him. His phone was as usual busy. I got a bit anxious about my next 3 or 4 hours and his busy phone made me more desperate to know what is there in store for me. I thought it is better not to have friends like this. Who gives you a hope but never turn up in need.

Just at the time when I was not thinking about future or about happiness or about survival I found one interesting machine lying in one corner of my room. This is ‘Time Killing Machine’. This machine kills time. There are many ways to understand what it does but the simple most is that it will make you travel ahead in time. You can not go back now. Your time between these two points is simply killed. But if you think otherwise, what this machine is doing is killing future. Your future between these two points is also killed. So if you do not want to live that particular chapter in your life you can very well move ahead. Thinking more about it, I also come to a conclusion that this machine basically keeps you in your present by making it an option to kill your future. At whichever point you will be you will be in present. You will live present and if ou do not like it move to another present. Or you can say that this machine will make me unconscious about everything that is not present or make me more conscious about my present. My state of being! My self!

I used it. Because that seems to be the only solution of the anxiety! I could not just wait for the things to happen. All my time got vanished and I come to the state of power cut again.

I did not know when I came to life again. I entered the house and started life as usual. Eating, sleeping, working, enjoying but always worried about my future, about being happiest or about my existence!

One fine day I happened to notice that time killing machine again. Suddenly I could see the chain of events happened during the state of power cut. And I realized that this part of my life is similar to that part during power cut. I wondered how ignorant I am! How very forgetful and short sighted not to learn from my own past!

I then decided to kill all my time (read future). There is a catch in the situation. I can not kill all my time. I do not know the extent of it. So I did it with my own conscience. I decided to kill all my time by living in my present. I decide that I will live in my present, live with my present.

Today I live in present. I eat because I am hungry. I work because I love my work. I sit in between and feel all the velvety time I have not for any reason but because I like it this way.

Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

This is a story of Chintu, Pintu and Rose.

Chintu rolled down the cheek and then comes Pintu. 'I hate free falls',said Chintu. Everybody expects that he should be loved and cared. Somebody should be there to hold you when you are
down, When you need. There are some fortunate tears which have caretakers. They never have to fall freely from the eyes. They never have to bother about their instant fate. They do not hit ground and shatter into peices. They are even remembered after a long time.people tell stories about them. But Nobody like tears like chintu and pintu. They are creating disturbance in the person's mind. They are making him feel unwanted. They are the molten angst. they are the wound in the heart.
But there is one more side to it. Chintu and Pintu leave the subject calm and relaxed. They leave him stronger. They make ups and down a part of his life. They make him an acceptor. Acceptor of inconvenient and unwanted truth. They leave him motivated to fight. They eventually give him a reason to smile.

Smile...Oh i just forgot to tell you about her...

Everybody smile when she is with me.She is the door to my heart.
She is the best possesion i have. she is the best infection i have.
She is the flowing happiness around me. She is the infinite life around me.
She equals to a weight of 100kg love. she keeps me lighter than a flying dove.
She is the mumbai rain. She is the never ending sweet pain.
She is the music in the ear. She is the best dress i wear.
She is my poetic chaos. She is the one named "ROSE".

They three are a team. They complement each other well, But seldom you will find them together. One has to be vanished for the other to come. The very basic nature of them is somewhat ironical. But i am desparate to make them one working team. One existing unit. So from now on I will always smile a little after I cry or should I say I will cry a little after I laugh.

रोशनी

जिंदगी क्या किसी मोड़ पे जा के ख़तम हो जायेगी या यह मोड़ कहीं अंधेरे मैं गुम हो जायेंगे. अगर मेरी जिंदगी का अंत एक अंधेरे का गुबार है तो क्यों मुझमे कुछ पाने का लालच है, क्योंकि मैं इस अंधेरे के पहले ही रौशनी मैं गुम हो जाना चाहता हूँ और इस रोशनी के पीछे मैं मरते दम तक भागूंगा. सब यही करते हैं और मैं भी इस्सी कोशिश मैं एक दिन अँधेरा बन जाऊँगा…

Vikas

P.S. - This is first note i have ever written for myself.